VancouverIslandAdoption

2012-01-31T22:24:00.001-08:00

Cowichan Tribes in Partnership with the ASRPA Partners Council - Vancouver Island and Pacific Sport Vancouver Island are happy to offer an Xplore Sports Program to Aboriginal youth aged 7-12 years on the school Pro-D Day FEBRUARY 6, 2012. The Xplore Sports Program introduces youth ages 7-12 years to a variety of summer and winter sports in a fun and supportive environment under the direct supervision of certified coaches. Working with community partners the programs allows participants an opportunity to "test drive" two sports in a single-day camp. The philosophy of the camp is to allow every participant to explore sports under a certified coach in a non-judgmental environment where the focus is FUN Who: All Aboriginal Youth Aged 7-12 yearsDate: February 6, 2012 (School Pro D Day)Time: 8:30am-4:30pmLocation: Cowichan Tribes Siem Lelum GymnasiumCost: FREE!!!!!!! ***To register and for more information please contact Toni Williams (below). Huy ch q'u, Toni Williams, B.A. NAIG Legacy Program CoordinatorCowichan Tribes5760 Allenby Road Duncan, BC V9L 5J1Ph: 250-701-0682Fx: 250-748-1233email: Toni.Williams@cowichantribes.comWeb Page: http://www.cowichantribes.com/memberservices/Youth%20Services

2012-01-26T23:29:00.000-08:00

What's that saying? If I'd known how great it was to have grandchildren I would have had them first? These are my two grand-daughters. Aren't they beautiful? The older of them who just turned two, was handed her baby cousin when we were all together after Christmas and immediately said "I love her". It was very sweet. I got to see lots of my oldest daughter, her husband and my grandchild this past month as they've been visiting all the BC relatives. It was truly amazing to watch the three of them; a very connected little family. Two parents attuned to their baby and her needs, and two parents devoted to being the best parents they can be. My daughter as the eldest in our family, had lots of time to watch our parenting in action; she still is, since there are still youngsters at home. I'd like to hope that a bit of her seemingly natural parenting ability came from that experience but who knows. There is a funny article that suggest we have less impact on our kids in our parenting than we think we will. And it also confirms my theory: having the first child kind of wrecks your life; the subsequent kids simply don't have as dramatic an impact. I was trying to put the link to the article here, but I am having trouble with that - I'll have to consult with someone more technical. But if you search out: "The Breeders Cup, The Case for Having More Kids" by Bryan Caplan you'll probably find the article. It might make you realize that for all the days you don't have time to read a story before bedtime, or make sure teeth are brushed - the long term implications aren't significant, so stop your worrying.

2012-01-25T23:13:00.000-08:00

Last week one of my teens had a cough, cold and sore throat. Then he got a low fever. I figured that he had a cough, cold, sore throat and low fever. I looked down his throat and although it was red, it wasn't looking like it had the white things that indicate something like strep. Meaning I figured that if he drank lots of water and rested he would get better. But the fever, even though low, was of course worrying. So I took him to the doctor. My regular GP was too busy to see him, so we saw another doctor in our clinic. I told her what I thought, and relayed that I knew that antibiotics weren't necessary, or even good to give someone who didn't need them, who had a virus like a cold. She asked me "are you a health care professional?" I said, no, that I'd just been a mother for a long time. She said that I was correct, he had a cough, cold and sore throat and they would all go away if he just rested and drank lots of fluids. Taking him to the doctor did however accomplish several things. It set my mind at rest; I mean there was always the possibility that he had something besides a cold/virus. It also reminded him that I care about him, and will make sure that he gets looked after. It was important for him to hear the doctor say that he would get better with the same remedies that I suggested. Somehow my kids seem to often think that the doctor can fix whatever is wrong with them with some simple medicinal cure. No matter how often I tell them that most colds go away all by themselves, they seem to think if the doctor just looked at them they would get better faster. Being sick is miserable; whether it's a cold or the flu or whatever. When my son was at his worst during the days he was sick he really looked terrible. He had that exhausted and ill look about him. His eyes didn't shine, he lacked energy (that was the thing that worried me besides the fever), and he wasn't talking much (very strange for him). I did feel very sorry for him and was glad when he got over it. I do think going to the doctor had the placebo effect; I'd swear he started to feel better that very afternoon, when he knew that he was going to get better anyway. And don't we all love to be cared for; to have someone bundle us into the car and take us somewhere to make sure we really are ok? It lets us know we matter. And that's not just the placebo effect.

2012-01-24T18:32:00.000-08:00

I got a few really great Christmas presents this year. Ones that I didn't pick out and wrap for myself. My older kids bought me one of those mixers that has a bowl and a mixer thing on it that you put on the counter. When I first opened it I was kind of thinking to myself, "is this like a vacuum cleaner?" I had mixed feelings, if you'll pardon the pun. I am not really a gadgety kind of person; I rarely use my regular mixer preferring to do things by hand much of the time. However, considering the generosity of my kids (I know this thing wasn't a cheap gift), I pretended to be pleased and took it home. It took me a bit of time to take it out of the box and get it onto the counter. Then it took a bit longer for me to read the instructions, and even longer for me to decide to use it. However, it is now my best friend. OK, not my best friend, (I do have a shortage of friends though), but I do love it. It's being used almost daily. To make bread. The mixer thing takes the hard work out of it by doing the kneading etc. Now the first few loaves were really great. Then I got adventurous and started adding interesting and healthy things. Like flax, different kinds of seeds, whole wheat flour etc. I think I got a bit carried away. We had friends coming for dinner yesterday and I thought I'd make a couple loaves to have for dinner. They turned out like hockey pucks. Well, not quite that shape, but kind of that weight. So I made a couple more. Not quite so bad, but still pretty heavy. I think the guests ate some anyway, but they probably increased their daily fibre content substantially. They were polite, and didn't say anything. However, my kids lunches today weighed about 5 1bs each. Their sandwiches would keep someone going for days if stranded by weather. Anyway, tomorrow I'm reducing the nuts, grains and healthy bits and increasing the white flour in my bread making. Note to my kids: I do love the mixer thing. It was a great gift. Thank you!

2012-01-17T23:18:00.000-08:00

In my community a school was vandalized during the Christmas holidays. A seventeen year old was caught; there were a couple more individuals with him who have not yet been identified. One of my teen daughters commented that it was his parents fault. I just about fell over. This is the same teen daughter who spent the better parts of a couple of years (or four as she calls it) blatantly disregarding many of our rules, (or did they just become suggestions after she stopped obeying them?). I used to think that most teenagers would respond to house rules most of the time - using some kind of negative or positive reinforcement, as long as you could figure out what was important to them to motivate them with. I've learned that there are some kids who just can't or won't respond to the strategies that will work with others. So if you tell your teen that their curfew is 10:00, and they walk back in at 11:00 (or 12:00 or 1:00 or... you get my drift), what do you do? You start out being reasonable; you can give them the talk about how much they need their sleep, how you worry about them etc. Some kids will will change just like that. Sure they will. They'll realize how absolutely right you are, and they'll never do it again. I know at least a couple of kids like that. But then there's the ones who look you in the eye as if you are insane, tell you they are done listening to you (if they even say that), and walk away; to repeat the behaviour the next night. So you can try other approaches. You can tell them they can't get their driver's license if you can't trust them. You can remove privileges. You can try motivators. I offered one of my sons a week at a snowboard camp in the U.S. if he would change his ways. (It didn't work).Sometimes their social group is hard to leave. Sometimes addictions are part of the problem. Sometimes mental health issues are. When kids get up to vandalism we all want a reason. Some people blame the community. In the case of my community, it's small, and truly there isn't much to do in the form of going to shopping malls or the movies. But that's not why they did it. The mall and the movie theatres are a bus ride away; so is the pool and the skating rink. Another school was vandalized a few days after the one where I live. And it was in the larger community next to mine. What would the excuse be there? Most of us who are old grew up making our own fun in small communities without the amenities we always talk about our kids needing. We made our own fun (oh how they laugh when I say that). But it's true. As teens and pre-teens we were outside lots; but not committing vandalism. But back to where I started; I of course think parents should know where their teens are going, who they hang with, and what they plan to be up to. One of my teen sons just started hanging with a new friend. I talked to the mother on the phone; I found out what they were going to be doing, and OK'd their plans. It might sound like overkill with a teenager, but it's the way I prefer it to be. But some kids (like my daughter in her difficult stage), will not say where they are going; a phone number for where she'd be was out of the question during lots of that time. I'd just go to bed (sometimes) and pray she got home safely later that night. The good news is that most teens get through this stuff and move on to become human adults with a different (and better) perspective on life. Just like my daughter.

2012-01-15T23:54:00.000-08:00

Today was just a stay at home day. Yesterday I took my younger kids to the pool and a beach walk; a couple of my teens stayed home with colds. Today I had to catch up with a bunch of things so we just hung out. The younger kids played a variety of games and in fact had a great time together. I baked bread successfully for the first time, and then I made a batch of scones using my mothers recipe, which we ate warm, with jam and tea. We pretended we were royalty which provoked some conversation about Queen Elizabeth, and about the recent royal wedding. It was fun. Then my daughter painted my fingernails, and her own. When she painted her own she ended up with nail polish all over her hands; she managed to keep it on my fingernails fortunately. Dinner ended up being a very noisy meal; sometimes it's like that around here with people talking all at once and interrupting one another. I actually had to send one interrupter away from the table; it happens occasionally. After dinner one of the boys made three pans of rice krispie squares; he decided to make one to take to school for his class after we had eaten most of the other two. Then the younger girls gathered their laundry for me to do, and headed for showers. I made lunches, and then did some clean up in the kitchen and elsewhere. My latest technique for getting just a bit of time to myself involves finishing the kitchen clean up, and heading to my room as close to 10:30 as I can. If I am in my home office, or at the computer downstairs that seems to some people to mean that I am just waiting for them to start a conversation with me. I'm talking of course about teenagers here. The same ones who made themselves scarce while I did the chores are now looking for some conversation. If it seems important, I'll make some time. If not, they'll have to catch me tomorrow. My current form of relaxation before bed (especially while the Captain is away) is either a good book, or being an MLS junkie. That is, surfing MLS for my next home. Goals of the move to another home are buying a cheaper one (being downwardly mobile), and getting a bit closer to a main road, a bus route, civilization. However, it probably isn't going to happen unless someone walks down my driveway and offers to buy my house because the thought of trying to sell: keep the house clean, the dogs from attacking the realtors, and even getting the house ready to sell sounds insurmountable. Oh well, I can still look.

2012-01-09T23:14:00.000-08:00

I had an embarrassing moment just before Christmas; I got a call from someone in the community offering us a Christmas Hamper - the ones intended for families in need. I thanked the individual, and declined the kind offer. I wondered how we had made it onto the list. A clue came to me this week. One of my teenaged sons informed me that he no longer needed lunches made, because he had informed the school (some time ago) that he needed to be on the "lunch program". This is the program (that I understand) is there to provide lunches to kids who really need them, which is not my son. When I called the school I was asked to speak to the counsellor to let her know that my son did indeed have a healthy lunch made for him every day; he was not a child who needed the free lunch. She agreed that he should not be on the list, but it made me wonder if that's how our name got on the list for a Christmas Hamper. I was thinking about the free lunch issue, and whether it really mattered that my kid had identified himself as needing lunch. I think his real reason was because he doesn't like carrying lunch in his shoulder bag - it doesn't actually fit well. And I wondered, was it just my pride that made me want to make sure that no-one thought my kid needed a free lunch? Or was it my social conscience that made me think those lunches (and the funds that provide them) are really for those in need? I thought of how one of my son's friends goes to school each and every day without a coat. Rain or shine, snow or wind, he wears just a t-shirt. It is not because his family can't afford a coat, in fact he has one, it is because he simply chooses not to wear it. I don't know if it's partly that we are a large family, or partly because so many of our kids joined us by adoption, but that would drive me nuts. I would worry that people figured my kid wasn't wearing a coat because he didn't have one, not because he chose not to. I think we feel under a microscope, and sometimes we are. It can be frustrating; one of my teens lost three bathing suits at camp last summer; by the end of the summer he was wearing a pair of cut off jeans to swim. Not particularly comfortable, but I was tired of replacing the bathing suits. Was it because he's adopted? Of course not. If my young child with FASD loses three coats in one winter I have to keep replacing them; a young child simply has to wear a coat in winter (my rule anyway). But a teenager who keeps losing something that isn't totally necessary - maybe not. So if my teen trucks off to school one day without his coat like his friend, I guess I'll try to look the other way, and just let him be himself. But it won't be because he doesn't have one.

2012-01-07T22:37:00.000-08:00

Upcoming Adoption EventsNanaimo: Tuesday, January 17th: Parents of Teens will meet at the Coco Café in Cedar from 9:30 to 11:30 Port Alberni: Pre and post adoptive parents support group, third Monday of the month: contact Kelly at 250-731-7550 for more information Duncan: Pre and post adoptive parents support group, first Wednesday of the month: contact Debbie at 250-745-8175 for more information Courtenay: Thursday, January 26th from 10:00 to 12:00 Adoptive parents or those waiting to adopt gather for coffee and conversation at Rhodos Coffee Shop in Courtenay. Children welcome. A few spaces remain in the FASD Adoption Camp to be held January 20th to 22nd on Quadra Island. Future adoptive family camps will take place March 23rd to 25th and May 25th to 27th. For information and to register for these camps contact Cathy at cgilbert@bcadoption.com Ladysmith: Pot luck and pool party : Saturday, February 11th: 2:00 to 5:30, Frank Jameson recreation centre, Ladysmith. Cost: $5.00 per family. For more info or to register contact Cathy at cgilbert@bcadoption.com Nanaimo: Workshop: Facebook, teens, adoption and openness: how are they all connected? Find out at this workshop, Nanaimo, Saturday, February 25th. Cost is $20.00 Register on Eventbrite or contact Cathy For information on any of these please contact Cathy Gilbert at cgilbert@bcadoption.com or at 1-866-334-3873 or at 250-722-3032

2012-01-06T00:10:00.000-08:00

What's your pleasure? Adoptive parents, especially those with more than a couple of kids, often get asked how they recharge. I think parents with kids with special needs get asked that more often than other parents too, and since some of us are both adoptive parents and parents to kids with special needs we get asked more often than we might like. Just as people are all different, so are the ways in which parents get their buckets filled. As a parent, my life has evolved a great deal since I had my first child almost 31 years ago. And over those 31 years of parenting a variety of things have kept me going; given me enough positives to keep going even when they going has been tough. Sometimes it's been small things - like taking a bath. A long, relaxing bath - the kind you can't take when a toddler (or a teen) is likely to bang on the door. For the first time in a long time, I can announce to the household (at some point in the evening after lunches are made, and my younger ones in bed), that I am going to take a bath. This means I expect to be left alone. Unless there is a real emergency, I don't want to be disturbed. Sometimes I even take a book in there with me. Recharging for me often includes reading; a good book has always been something I appreciate. But lots of my personal bucket filling includes my kids; having my adult kids visit (and my grandchildren) gives me incredible joy. And it's not just my adult kids; one of my favourite things to do at home is sit on the couch with my younger ones and read with them. We snuggle up together, they read to me, I read to them, and I (and they) love it. It's relaxing, it's connecting, it's doing something positive and good for us all. Many things about parenting are like that for me (and for other parents I know). We like to do things with our kids, and perhaps that's why some of us choose to have more than the national average. Our buckets get filled by doing what we do. Makes sense I guess. Not to say I don't look forward to the occasional dinner out with the Captain, and (happening less often than I'd like lately), an evening or week-end away from the zoo. And, if I won the lottery, (hard to do when you don't buy tickets), I'd go somewhere warm. With sand. A beach. All the food you could eat and someone else to do the dishes. And kids activities. (Because the kids would be there). Meanwhile, I'll just fill my bucket with the regular joys of life.

2012-01-04T12:58:00.000-08:00

My youngest son is a big breakfast eater. He eats a hot breakfast lovingly prepared by me, (or the Captain when he's home from sea and not racing out the door to his teaching job). It's frequently pancakes or French Toast, sometimes waffles, fried, boiled or scrambled eggs etc. In the summer and spring I get my eggs from a local farmer (free range, happy chicken eggs), but this time of year I get them from the store of course. (The happy chickens, for those of you in the know, don't lay much in the winter unless they have artificial light). I look out for free range eggs on sale, which they recently were at a local store and I bought 10 dozen. In an effort to steer him away from the highly syrupped (he likes a lot of syrup) pancakes etc I have been encouraging scrambled eggs in a wrap and this has really caught on. He and my youngest daughter find this their favourite breakfast right now, but his has a twist. He slathers on ketchup and chipotle sauce. This last item is made from taking a couple of cans of chipotles and pureeing them in the blender. You can then save them in the refridgerator and use for chipotle/mayo, or whatever you have that you want spiced up. It is indeed quite hot; but he can eat a couple of tablespoons of it on a wrap. In his country of origin, likely lots of food would have been prepared with hot peppers, so this could be something he remembers, if not in a conscious way. In any case, he likes it. My efforts to get a big breakfast into him are a result of the fact that he rarely eats much lunch at school, and this is my attempt to keep him going for the day. Most mornings if wraps are on the menu, he will eat two scrambled egg wraps (three or four eggs in each), and that seems to do the trick. It may seem a bit odd to be cooking hot breakfasts every morning, and there are days when I feel less excited about it than others. (OK, there are days when "lovingly prepared" might be a bit of a stretch). However, as any mother of more than one child knows, kids are all different, with varying needs at varying times. While I never imagined that my life would be quite as full as it is now, ever since my second child arrived almost 29 years ago I've known that I would have to parent slightly differently with each child. (My first two kids are indeed very much individuals). Mother Teresa said: "We can do no great things, only small things with great love". Those breakfast wraps are a small thing, which I try to do with great love. And most of the time I do.

2012-01-03T23:39:00.000-08:00

Ah. The kids back at school. Over the holidays I thought (again) more seriously about home schooling at least a couple of my kids. And it remains a strong consideration for one of them at least. However, I dropped off my four youngest, and saw my teens off to the school bus and felt, well, an enjoyment of the peace and quiet. At least for now. The day passed all too quickly. Work (the out of the home kind) at present includes planning for the upcoming adoption family camp, figuring out a venue for a pot luck, organizing a workshop in February and fielding calls from parents who kindly left me mostly alone over the Christmas holiday but now need support or information. In addition, I had to help one of my adult kids deal with a government agency (which included a ride there to talk to a real person). One of the challenges with raising kids with disabilities is the simple fact that they will likely need you longer, and in different ways. I am seeing it a lot both with my kids, and those of families I know. Young adults with FASD who are maturing at 25 the way one might have thought they would have at 18. Or adults with mild developmental disabilities who are gradually figuring out ways to manage in the world in their own way, but taking longer than a "typical" young adult to do so.It's something that I think parents hear about, particularly when parenting kids with FASD: that they will take longer to mature, and that we should modify our expectations. The part I've had to factor in includes things like driving adult kids to appointments much longer than I thought I would have to. Or helping with shopping, or just talking through things at a level I might not have imagined. Some adults with disabilities qualify for a number of services through CLBC or other government agencies; but many do not. And that's where the crunch comes in. Many of the kids we are raising will not be able to access other services but will continue to need our support well beyond when we thought we'd be putting our feet up. Being a serial adopter, I know I won't be putting my feet up for quite a while. But for some parents who thought they'd be sailing into the sunset and can't, I offer my condolences. It means you aren't quite finished that parenting thing. But what you already know is you never will be no matter what your child's abilities or challenges. Richard Bach said" Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: if you're alive it isn't" I guess I know I am not finished yet; but I guess I knew that too.

2011-12-31T13:06:00.000-08:00

Christmas has come and gone and given our family many great memories to carry with us. Highlights for us included the Captain getting to meet his most recent grandchild for the first time; she is truly a most delightful baby. Our other grand-daughter (aged 23 months) upon holding her cousin remarked spontaneously "I love her", echoing all our sentiments. We started a new tradition this year; four of our adult kids and their accompanying partners and children (where applicable) stayed at beachfront cabins about a 15 minute drive from our home for two nights after Christmas. We cooked a turkey there and it turned out to be a great way to spend time together without us having to accommodate everyone at our place as we have in the past. Some of our old traditions remain; but new ones like this will begin as our family grows and changes with time. As the new year of 2012 is about to begin I'd like to share this quote that was sent to me by a friend in her Christmas card. The quote is by Neil Gaiman. "May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you are wonderful and don't forget to make some art - write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And hope somewhere in the next year you surprise yourself" Happy new year everyone.

2011-12-24T10:38:00.000-08:00

Let the games begin. Tonight is the first of our family gatherings over Christmas. We are having lots of finger foods/snacks, maybe play some games, talk a lot and eventually hang stockings. I think tonight there will be between 18 and 25 of us. Some of those will include significant others to our older kids, and a few of their family members. Tomorrow the crowd will be slightly smaller; a few of the adult kids will spend Christmas with their partners families, but a couple of relatives who won't be there tonight will be there. Then on the 26th through the 28th we will have the second wave of kids arriving from afar. A second turkey along with a few vegan options will take place for one of those dinners but there will of course be multiple meals along the way. This means I have been making notes with menus and grocery lists making sure we'll be well supplied. Santa will make his trip here tonight, hard to know who still believes in the old guy, but a lot of us keep the faith. There is always someone younger coming along, if not one of the kids at home, a grandchild. It makes life much more fun that way. For most of our family, the best part of the holiday seems to be the chance to be together. I am grateful that I have so many people to share my life with. Christmas gives us an opportunity to celebrate family in a very special way. I'm off to make one final trip to the store for some last minute groceries.

2011-12-21T08:20:00.000-08:00

I read Cindy Bodies blog regularly for inspiration (she's the one with the 39 kids). She has a great sense of humour (important to everyone who is a parent), and the other day she was making a joke about someone once asking if she ever tried a "sticker chart" for one of her kids. I remember once using a sticker chart very successfully. It was about 25 years ago and I was working in a program with preschool aged kids. I was hired to work one to one with a child with some challenging behaviours. However, this little boy was not compromised by attachment issues, fasd, autism or a developmental delay and was in a structured environment with virtually the same routine every day. And the sticker chart worked. Cindy's comment reminded me of the number of times I've sat at meetings with professionals who offer advice that we've either tried before (numerous times) or who clearly don't understand what we're up against and suggest things that are simply not useful. One of my favourites is parents who have trouble getting a young child to go to sleep and have professionals suggest: "have you tried a warm bath, a story, a regular routine before bed each night?" And the parent looks as if to explode and thinks to say (but doesn't quite) "we've been doing that kind of routine for three years....do you think we're stupid?" (OK, I'll admit I've suggested that to parents too; I've heard occasionally there is someone who hasn't created a soothing routine with their child who has trouble sleeping but I haven't met them yet). We met with a behavioural consultant regarding one of our teens recently and it was good news/bad news. The good news was that she said we were already doing everything she could suggest. The bad news was that we were already doing everything she could suggest. What do you do next when you are already doing what you should be doing and it doesn't work? We gathered even more professionals to strategize about this teen, and in this case the wisdom around the room was respectful and useful. However the consensus was the same; that what we were doing in our parenting was the best anyone could do. I sometimes work with families and come up with this same response; the parents are doing everything as well as anyone could advise them, and the outcome for the time being, is still the same. All I've done is support them in recognizing they have a hard job and they are doing it well. It's the good news/bad news. You're a great parent, and there is no quick fix to the challenges you are facing with your child. Even the experts have nothing to offer because you are doing what they'd suggest already. The best thing that you can do if you're in a difficult parenting situation is to find other ways to fill your bucket while that particular child is not. You can fill it in many other ways so you aren't relying on that child, and that relationship to do it for you. Your other kids, partner, friends, family can fill your bucket. Outside the home activities, a support group can help too. Maybe you can use a sticker chart - for yourself. Do something fun for yourself and the rest of the family every day and put a sticker on the chart for that.

2011-12-20T21:09:00.000-08:00

When I start Christmas shopping I write down everyone I have to buy for on a tiny sheet of paper, and gradually put on the paper what I bought, or plan to buy. The piece of paper goes with me everywhere, and frighteningly, I frequently lose it. It is with me now, a very crumpled and scribbled on note that contains the complicated manner of giving we do. While we try not to get carried away, with this many kids, a few in laws, and a few grandchildren, it's hard not to have a complicated list. Along with a bit of shopping, we've done a few of the other Christmas activities: gingerbread houses, watching Christmas movies, read out loud the book "The Best Christmas Pageant Ever", a visit to grandparents in Victoria, and on Sunday night I took all the at home kids to see a play in Chemainus: it was called a "Countryside Christmas" and it was very amusing and good for getting us into the spirit. It was set in the 80's so the music was very familiar to me, but the characters - including a teen-aged son, and university aged daughter were timeless, as were the family dynamics. We all laughed and all the kids seemed to really enjoy it. The Captain is still at sea, and expected home on the 23rd. I feel like I'm in that episode of the Waltons where they are waiting for the dad to come home from away and it's Christmas eve. (OK, I am dating myself again). That's the show from the 70's with the farm family who all say good night in the show by calling out to one another "good night Jim-Bob, good night Mary Ellen, good night John-boy, good night Elizabeth, good night Daddy" etc and it takes about 10 minutes to say it to one another. At the end of the show the dad of course arrives in the nick of time, making it of course the best Christmas. Anyway, once the Captain is home the celebrating will begin. Christmas Eve will be the first day of family gathering, followed by of course, Christmas day, then some more family arrives Boxing Day (um, most recent grandchild in that group) so the fun will continue. And while the gifts are certainly not the focus, there will hopefully be some items that will be enjoyed by those who receive them. But the main event is really the coming together, the shared good food, lots of catching up, some games, some outdoor walks...I can't wait. My kids have asked for: wait for it: absolutely nothing. There are no lists of stuff they want posted on my fridge, no requests for commercial items. And not because I asked them not to. It just seems that's not what's most important to them. And for that I am happy. Because if that's one of the things they take from our family Christmases: an understanding that it is not about what you get, then that's good.

2011-12-17T22:19:00.000-08:00

There was a great Christmas party for adoptive families in Nanoose Bay this evening mainly orchestrated by Carrie Hohnstein and her ever so dependable husband Gerald, along with a supporting cast of Carlows, Dunbars and others. In addition, the range of food supplied by all the families who attended was amazing in both quantity and variety. We all ate lots, and had a lot of fun. There was a visit from Santa and an amazing number of door prizes; I think everyone got one! My calculation was that there were about 23 families represented - big and small families, and the age range from toddlers to teens, with kids adopted locally and from afar. There was a family from Port McNeil, and families from Duncan, Youbou, Nanaimo, Courtenay (to name a few) and a couple of families newly relocated from elsewhere. When it was over, a number of people remained behind to clean up and it was definitely a case of making the load lighter by sharing it. Just before I left, a crew of teens and pre-teens - all adopted - were singing and dancing in the parking lot, reluctant to get into their cars and head home. They wanted to know: "when is the next adoptive families event?"I hope everyone who was there had a good time; I know that I left with some renewed Christmas spirit, and with a sense of what a great community of adoptive families we have here on the central Island. Not everyone wants to participate in these kind of events, but for those who do and who enjoy it, it can be a source of support. On the way home I had the joy of listening to Justin Bieber - my two pre-teen daughter's favourite singer. Nauseating. Reminded me of listening to Donny Osmond when I was a teen. Got stopped at a road block and I figured if I let the RCMP know what I was listening to they'd plug their ears and wave me on by. Thanks to everyone who came to this event. It was great to meet some new families and reconnect with old ones.

2011-12-15T09:14:00.000-08:00

I find inspiration in the strangest of places. This morning it was the U-2 song "One". One of the verses is "One life with each other: sisters, brothers. One life, but we're not the same. We get to carry each other. One, One."As I struggle through some really challenging times with a couple of my kids I am sustained by such a variety of people - some are among my adult kids, some are long term friends, and some of them have come into my life in the past year or so. The Christmas season is hard for many - and especially for those of us who are looking at a Christmas which might be different than some in the past. Loss is hard, whether it comes through death, estrangement or the simple fact of geography (meaning people can't get together physically). Change is hard too; when people simply decide they'd rather be somewhere else and are at a different place in their lives. And yet the Christmas season brings us so many messages about being happy, about togetherness, about a Hallmark Christmas. What we imagine may not be what we end up with. I know people struggling with adoption issues, but I know others struggling with so many other things. I have half a dozen friends who have elderly parents who are in transition - having to leave their homes, needing extra care and support. I have other friends who have birth children who are not well connected to their parents. We set expectations for ourselves that simply can't always be met. A good life is filled with relationships and the accompanying struggles to continue to love one another through all the hurdles life throws at us. So like the U-2 song says, "We get to carry each other" Find those who can help carry you when you need it, and do a little carrying yourself when you can.

2011-12-11T23:04:00.001-08:00

So in keeping with the Christmas season, last night we went to ride the Christmas train in Duncan, and today we went and cut our tree and decorated it. There were a pack of us who went along on both these events. Now, one would assume that a couple of 18 year olds would be past the stage of coming on a family outing to ride the Christmas train, but not so. Even funnier is our daughter who for a couple of years ranted away about wanting to leave home and live independently being the first to say she would come along. After a couple of Christmas seasons where she avoided doing family type activities, she's reclaiming the option and tagging along with the rest of us.Today we went to a local tree farm and cut our tree. We go to a small place where they recognize us every year (OK, that's not hard to do). We get out the trusty saw and cut down the perfect tree. Well, maybe not perfect. There seems to be a little Charlie Brown tree in every one we get. We got the tree home (before youngest son fell in the pond at the tree farm), and after I sang (badly) a variety of Christmas carols while we chose the tree. The ride home in the van was a bit nutty; the level of excitement in the air means everyone was louder than usual. So we arrived home and tried to put up the tree. To aid me in my current single parenthood (the Captain being still conveniently away commercial fishing), daughter #3 and her husband to be (if I have anything to say about it), came to help get the tree and with the subsequent Christmas decorating. They put the tree in the back of their truck, and brought it home. Then we had the joy of trying to get it to stay upright in the tree stand. This was not to be. The tree stand apparently had supported it's last tree, and after multiple attempts at finding ways to keep the tree from falling over (wedging wood in the stand, tying the tree up with string to the wall......), we gave up. We'd put on a Christmas movie to distract the kids while we fought with the tree. Nothing left for it but my supporting cast went to buy a new tree stand. Meanwhile the rest of us strung lights around the room, and one of my teen sons went out to add to the outdoor lighting. We realized the tree had a serious hole in one side which we decided to place at the back before we started decorating. I guess we were really looking at the good side when we picked it. In the end, the tree got decorated in our own eclectic fashion. (My daughter was glad she got to go home and decorate her own in some kind of Martha Steward manner, and she even declined to take home some of the ornaments she had made as a child, what does that tell you?). It ended up being a good afternoon; a couple of roast chickens for dinner, lots of Christmas music (Bing Crosby, Sting, Dianna Krall, Frank Sinatra, Tom Jackson to name a few), and a decorated house were the end result. The four youngest ended up taking a bunch of leftover decorations and making their bedroom doors look like Christmas presents. I'm a bit freaked out that there are only two weeks to Christmas. Normally I have list upon list made up by now....what to buy for whom, what grocery shopping I have to do. Not so much this year. Still and all, "it's the most wonderful time of the year". (At least, that's what one of the songs says....)

2011-12-07T23:10:00.001-08:00

It was Christmas concert day at my elementary aged kids school today. The songs and skits were on a pirate and elf theme. That is, there were kids who were pirates, kids who were elves and kids who were reindeer, and of course one who was Santa. I originally had two pirates and two elves, but then one of my elves got asked to be a pirate because there weren't enough pirates. I had gone to the dollar store and picked up elf hats (available everywhere right about now). So I had to cook up an additional pirate costume. That just meant a white shirt, vest, kerchief on the head, pants rolled up to just below the knee. As usual, the Christmas concert made me cry. I can be ridiculously sentimental. I really do adore my kids (most of them, most of the time...), and these four of mine who have not yet hit the teen years are generally pretty easy to love. The two in grade seven had speaking parts, the younger two just sang and played in the band. I had the feeling at least a couple of my kids were just fake playing their instruments; the fingers were moving, but I'm not sure any sound was coming out. And my youngest, most ADHD son bounded across the stage at the beginning of the show, carrying his clarinet and a music stand, on the way dropping half the clarinet and breaking the reed. This necessitated a quick trip to the music teacher who apparently was prepared for such an event and quickly gave him a new one. He bounced across the stage to his seat and reassembled his clarinet. This week has also brought two trips to medical professionals. One to the doctor with a teen who'd been poked in the eye at school with a pencil. Just like those jokes, "it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye", he and a buddy were joking around with the pencil - snatching it back and forth etc until he got stabbed in the eye. It looked nasty but a couple trips to the doctor and a couple of days of eye drops did the trick. Then there was a trip to emergency with a teen who was vomiting, had a sore throat (and is indeed a bit of a hypochondriac). After vomiting violently, it seemed the very act of getting into the car and heading for medical attention was helpful. On the way he asked if we could stop for a McDonalds meal and "Supersize it". He did indeed have the flu, and tonsilitis, but did not get to have surgery, or stay there overnight as he had suggested he might. When we arrived at emergency it was overflowing, but when we left there was no-one left. Apparently it goes that way... an ebb and flow of the sick and injured, coming in waves for medical attention. I appreciated the calm, matter of fact way the doctor handled my son and the variety of questions my son brought up: "is my back swollen on one side more than the other?". "do you think I am going to die?" Thanks for almost free medical care. I appreciate it.

2011-12-06T21:27:00.001-08:00

I'm still here. I know there are a few people who read this regularly and who notice when I stop writing. And usually there is a reason. Sometimes there are quite a few. That's the case these days. Maybe I'll gradually let a few of the happenings onto here over time. One of the really great things that has happened since the Captain went to sea is that he had the opportunity to give one of our sons a chance at a job on the boat. It's one of our young adult sons who has been working a variety of jobs, none of which brought him much satisfaction. He has ADHD, and has always been a high energy young man. He's done lots of boating with our family, had a trip on one of the SALT's vessels, and has alway liked being on the water, and never gets seasick. So when he got asked if he'd like to try his hand out as a deckhand, his answer was a very quick affirmative. And it seems he loves the job, and the rest of the crew love him. The first few trips he wasn't crewing at the same time as the Captain, but now the two of them are out on the boat together. I think it's pretty cool. When the Captain went back to work after being at home, one of the other crew informed him that our son had blown his cover. That is, sometimes we don't give a lot of detail about how many kids we have etc, because about half of the world simply thinks we are nuts, and having to explain ourselves all the time gets annoying. But our son had told them about us. In a good way. How he came from this big family and how his parents had some sort of disease and kept adopting. (I don't think that's quite how he described it). But anyway, it was interesting to hear how he presented our family to his new companions. The best part of the whole thing of course is that our son is happy. He told his dad it was the first job he'd had that really felt like a real job, and somewhere that he wanted to be. It's great to see him that happy. The main drawback to this? We seem to be parenting his dog for him while he's gone. It's not the first time we've inherited an animal from one of our young adults. Oh well.

Go Lions, you did it!

2011-11-27T22:35:00.001-08:00

How do you like those Lions? Was that an exciting last quarter? (I think that's what it's called). I never have quite understood football, but I came home and put on the game, hoping to catch the end, and got to watch the last half. It got a bit tense there when the Bombers got a couple of touchdowns (that's what those are called?) in a very brief period of time... like, wasn't it just a few minutes?Anyway, it appeared that it was a great game, and inspired me to consider watching more football next year in the regular season. It became a teachable moment when the Blue Bombers scored those last quarter touchdowns, and looked for a few minutes like they could catch up. Even when it was clear they couldn't win, of course, they just kept on playing. A couple of my kids asked "could they still win?" and, "why don't they just stop playing if they can't?" I was able to point out that, even though it was not really possible to win, they were going to just go on playing right to the end, because that's sportsmanship. You don't give up even though it is pretty clear you can't win. I pointed out that it takes courage to just keep going even when you know you can't change the outcome. Is that a life lesson or what?Anyway, it was a great game. Maybe between now and next year I'll try to figure out more of the rules so I actually understand what is happening.

Expressions of Family

2011-11-25T21:06:00.001-08:00

Some of the submissions in the Adoptive Families Association "Expressions of Family" youth art contest are now on display at Rhodos Coffee Shop in Courtenay. Rhodos serves great coffee, and has kindly allowed us to use their wall space to display the pictures until next week. Thanks also to the photography group who are sharing the wall space they usually have their pictures on.

If you live in or near Courtenay you should go check out the pictures and the coffee shop.

Matthew Good

2011-11-23T21:39:00.001-08:00

If you like alternative rock music, and you like going to local concerts you are in luck. Matthew Good is a Canadian (actually Vancouver) singer who will be performing in Port Alberni (Saturday), Port Theatre, Nanaimo (Monday), Royal Theatre, Victoria (Tuesday), and the Cowichan Theatre in Duncan on Wednesday. Why do I care? I have a couple of his CD's and I like his music. Even better, he has chosen the Adoptive Families Association of BC to have an information station at his concerts, with an opportunity for our organization to reach out to the communities where he is performing. People will be able to buy memberships and donate, but better than that, they will have the chance to learn about adoption in BC. Often when AFA BC is present at events, it is where the adoption community is already gathering. It will be great to have a chance to speak with people who may not know much about adoption, or about the needs of waiting children locally and elsewhere for permanence. I am not sure if any of the shows have tickets left; you can check out his blog which has dates of the tour and places to purchase tickets on it. Even if you don't generally like that kind of music, sometimes it's good to try something new yourself. You can even listen to some of his music online. Check it out.

2011-11-18T22:49:00.001-08:00

We skipped school today and headed for Victoria. We had a multitude of purposes, and I was worried that we would be thwarted by bad weather when I got up and snow was pelting down at my house. However, it stopped snowing, and what was there didn't stick. I looked on line at the Malahat and saw it was bare, so off we went. The teens went to see the new Twilight movie. They had told me it was sold out in Nanaimo, so we ordered tickets online for a Victoria theater. It was a great way to win mother points. I am not at all up on the Twilight stuff at all, but I hear it's about vampires, or werewolves or something. Anyway, they went to the movie, and the younger ones and I headed for Afro Diva. My two youngest sons needed haircuts and having been spoiled by the barbershop in Toronto that did such an awesome job I wanted to go somewhere else with experience cutting black (as in African American, or just plain African) hair. I figured I couldn't wait until we next went to Toronto, so thought we'd check out Afro Diva. Afro Diva is a salon in Victoria that specializes in Afro textured hair. It was great. The hair stylist did a wonderful job, and then gave me some tips on how to better help my sons with their hair. She also recommended some hair products. Not only were the haircuts good, but it was nice for them to be in a place where the stylists were black, and other customers as well. In addition to the hair salon trip, we were on a mission to pick up some guinea pigs. They were a group of three sister guinea pigs that needed to stay together. (And would I be the one to separate sisters?). So we got the guinea pigs and then went to visit our most recently acquired adoptive grandparents. They are connected to our most recent addition and have welcomed us as family. So it was a multi-purpose trip, and we accomplished a lot. The guinea pigs are now settled in their new home, and will be played with lots (at least for the first week).

2011-11-14T23:13:00.001-08:00

Christmas is coming and I feel at more of a loss than ever about the whole gift giving thing. We don't do much for the adult kids at Christmas anyway; but our grandkids we buy for. Most of our adults have significant others in their lives; I figure they can take over. It's the younger kids I most want to make Christmas special for simply because they are that; just kids. But I hate getting caught up in buying stuff because I think I should. And yet, I want to make sure the kids have a good Christmas and our North American commercialized culture has made it so much about what they get. We've worked hard at different ways to minimize; most years taking on a charity to contribute to and getting the kids to help with that. I'd love other people's methods for reducing the compulsion to acquire things, and especially at figuring out how to make sure the kids do ok with whatever we decide to to. We do a gift exchange with most of the family but that is typically in addition to whatever we do Christmas morning; and Christmas morning is indeed the challenge. Waking up to a version of a Hallmark card tree with presents spread out under it is just what everyone seems to expect. Ideas anyone?

2011-11-12T21:27:00.001-08:00

I had to write again; there is so much going on for our family most of which I don't share, for lots of reasons. But I saw this funny card the other day which again reminded me about keeping things in perspective. It's a card by Marie Kalman, and the words are: "The sun will explode five billion years from now. Set your watches. That really changes everything, doesn't it?"I often get calls from adoptive parents with issues that seem huge; and often the next time they call they can't remember why they called the previous time. I'll ask "how is it going with school now?" (or whatever), and they'll occasionally not even remember that there had been a difficulty with school. So, set your watches, three months or a year from now, you may wonder how you thought this year's problem was so big.

2011-11-12T20:33:00.001-08:00

Powerless. That is, we were without power for about 30 hours; yesterday early afternoon until tonight. Last night the kids kind of enjoyed it. We had a fire in the fireplace, lit lots of candles, ate random things, and the kids played card games for hours in the flickering light. By this morning the fun was starting to fade. For me anyway. Adoption Awareness month (November) is busy for me so I had hoped to catch up on laundry and some other household chores this week-end, but no such luck. No power, no washing machine. We headed out for breakfast, and then into town to run some errands. We came home hoping the power was on, but no. As the day grew darker again, we had a reprieve. My brother in law called and invited us to pot luck supper with them at their place. Ah, yes, somewhere warm and with lights. So off we went. The kids thought it was fun, and our hosts said they hadn't had such interesting (maybe eclectic?) dinner time conversation for quite a while. We got home to find that BC Hydro had indeed removed the three trees fallen on power lines, in three different spots on the road near our home, and we had power again. Here's hoping we don't get an outage as long as that for a while.

2011-11-10T23:06:00.001-08:00

As I looked at the news on my computer screen I saw some "developing news" scroll across the top. What was important enough to be "developing news" was that Billy Crystal is probably going to host the Oscars. Now, that may be significant to some people, but it just wasn't for me. I don't actually get around to watching enough new movies to have a reason to follow the Oscar ceremonies (oh, but I guess there are a lot of other reasons to watch). Things like earthquakes, famine, airplane crashes, wars, election results etc; now those sound like developing news to me, that I might want to read about, or at least know are happening. Not so much about who is hosting the Oscars. I attended the Remembrance Day assembly at my younger kids school today, and once again it moved me to tears. A soldier who fought in Afghanistan came to speak and talked to the kids about the freedoms they take for granted. The kids sang "In Flanders Fields", one of my sons was part of the leadership of grade sevens who read aloud to the audience, and of course the kids placed wreaths with poppies on a big cross. While thinking of war, and those who fought may not seem very relevant to many of the kids who sat in the gymnasium, it was for me. My father fought in world war two, my uncle died fighting in it, my mother was a nurse, and the legacy of living through it impacted on both my parents, and in their perspectives on life afterwards. And although I am at the far end of the baby boomers born after the war, there is no doubt I have different expectations from life than some of my acquaintances of similar ages. Maybe that is why I'm not so concerned about who hosts the Oscars. I am however grateful to live in a country that awards us the life and freedoms we have. Lest we forget.

Adoption Awareness Month Events

2011-11-09T22:50:00.001-08:00

It’s Adoption Awareness Month and there are a variety of events coming up here in the Central Island area. As part of the Safe Babies program some spaces remain for parents not taking the whole training to take the CPR B portion of these classes. The cost is $57 plus HST and this course covers adult, child and infant CPR and is very valuable information for any parent to have. If you would like to participate in this please contact Diane Dunbar at: di-dar@shaw.ca for date and time. If you want to register, please do so quickly as there is limited time available to do so. Nanaimo area: Tuesday, November 15th at 9:30 the Parents of Teens group will meet at the Coco Café in Cedar; address: 1840 Cedar Road Nanaimo: Sunday, November 20th, AFA BC and MCFD will be hosting their annual Adoption Awareness Month event at the Nanaimo Aquatic Centre from 2:30 to 4:30. Coffee, tea and snacks will be provided along with crafts and face painting. Please bring along your portable cups for coffee, tea and water. Opening remarks will be delivered at 3:00 and this year our entertainment will take the place of a talent show. If you are a stand up comic, like to sing, dance or play an instrument, get ready to come and showcase your talents. RSVP to this event by contacting Janyne Sinclair at 250-741-5763 or at Janyne.Sinclaire@gov.bc.ca by November 14th. Port Alberni: Saturday, November 19th AFA BC and MCFD will be hosting an Adoption Awareness Month event at the Port Alberni Gymnastics Academy from 11:30 to 1:20. Bring along your mug and a snack to share. We’ll provide the cake. Port Alberni gymnastics academy generously provides the gym and the staff for us, free of charge. What a great community contribution!RSVP to Cathy at cgilbert@bcadoption.com or at 1-866-334-3873 Courtenay: Sunday, November 27th from 1:00 to 3:00: AFA BC and MCFD will be hosting an event at the Courtenay Rec Centre at 489 Old Island Highway. Bring a mug and a snack to share and be prepared to have fun in the gym followed by networking with other adoptive families. RSVP to Joanne Shaw at 1-866-823-5372 before November 18th. Courtenay: Friday, November 25th 2:00 to 4:00: Come to Rhodos Coffee Shop in Courtenay to view some of the artwork from the Expressions of Family art contest. Coffee and dessert will be served. RSVP to this event to: cgilbert@bcadoption.com That’s all for now! Hope to see you at one of these events.

2011-11-08T22:44:00.000-08:00

The Captain has been home from the sea for a few days. He spent the first couple of days catching up on laundry after fixing the washing machine. This week has been a reminder for him of Normal Life here at the zoo. He commented tonight that perhaps working on the fishing boat was more restful than the pace here. Ha ha. There have lately been a multitude of appointments and things to manage aside from our outside the home jobs. This week includes: two doctor appointments, three specialist appointments, two trips to the social assistance office with one of our adult kids, a home visit from our son's job coach (for dinner), three orthodontist appointments. It's a carefully coordinated schedule. Add to that the regular stuff; a few after school activities, driving our teen daughters to and from work, and it makes for a lot going on. Lunches get made, dinner gets cooked, the grocery store gets visited, homework gets done. Just another day. It is easier with two; I will miss the Captain when he's gone again next week, and not just for the taxi driving he's doing, or the laundry he caught up with. The humour and the support make life simply much better. I'm going to make a list of strategies for single parenting if this is to be our new pattern. There are a ton of people I know who do the single parenting thing all the time; people working in the marine and forest industry for example, not to mention those with a partner up at Fort McMoney. People who have one part of the couple out of town for periods of time. It can be done, it's just different. And that's not to mention all the amazing single parents I know. Women of Substance I was calling them in my head the other day, all those women who set out to be parents without a partner. Whether adopting alone from another country, or from here at home, I admire and respect them. (I know there are lots of great single dads too; I simply don't know them). Anyway, time to go; another long day awaits.

2011-11-07T23:42:00.000-08:00

You learn something new every day. Or at least I do. Last week I went to a workshop in Victoria facilitated by Debbie Riley, who is the Executive Director of the Center for Adoption Support and Education, somewhere in the U.S. The workshop was on Adoption Disruption and Dissolution: Prevention, Impact and Next Steps. I did learn new things; she had lots to share. But being both an adoptive parent, (and particularly parent to seven children who have experienced adoption disruption before joining our family) and someone who is involved with a fair number of adoptive families I also had my own thoughts (of course I did). As she pointed out, there is usually not just one cause for an adoption disruption. (A disruption is when an adoption does not continue, and the child usually returns to the foster care system). The factors she identified included: child genetic factors, child prenatal experiences, child maltreatment in birth family, child adverse experiences in child welfare system, adoptive parent mental health problems, adoptive parent - significant deficits in parenting skills, or attachment capacity. Those all make sense as indicators of challenging placements, however, when I think about many of the kids coming from our foster care system I recognize that the first four factors she mentioned are common to many of the kids, or at least some combination of those anyway. So what makes some parents able to go the extra mile with kids who present with these challenging factors and others not? There is no doubt that many of us end up with kids we didn't expect. With behaviours that were not what we imagined they could be, that last longer than we thought. In fact, sometimes with challenges that not only don't go away, but get worse as the child ages. One of the factors I've noticed in families that stick it out is that families who reach out, who get to go places where they can share their experiences with others sometimes do better. Feeling you are not alone is incredibly important. The other thing that I've seen in successful families is that they can shift their vision of what things should look like for their family, for their child. If things don't turn out as they envisioned, they can live with it. They may not like it, but they accept it, and can move forward. Parents who want to go back to the way things were before the child came along, or want their family to return to "normal" may simply not want to live with the new reality of life with a child by adoption who causes difficulty for everyone. I don't know how you measure that level of ability to be flexible, to live with the cards you are dealt. And I don't know how social workers or parents can measure it either. I would add it to the list of indicators for disruption: a lack of ability to shift in your expectations for your child and your family. But it's just what I think.

2011-11-06T22:07:00.000-08:00

I just returned from another week-end family camp for adoptive families. This time we also welcomed a couple who are waiting to adopt, who joined the other 13 families, and the 47 or so children and teens at the camp. It's a great opportunity for those considering adopting to get to make a big head start on their adoption connections. We did the usual camp stuff; trail rides, hockey in the bus barn, archery, songs and games by the big fireplace, obstacle course, canoeing, and of course, networking. Meeting old friends and new, sharing regular parenting stories and adoption stories, and having a good time together. The families came from different parts of the Island, and from Vancouver. There were large families and small, families who adopted locally and those whose children joined them from afar. The common denominator, of course was adoption. We played a game at one point where we stood in a circle and I would call out a characteristic - like "everyone who wears glasses" - and all those people who wear glasses would stand in the middle of the circle. Then, when I called out "everyone who is adopted" guess what, there was hardly anyone on the outside of the circle. The adoptees were the dominant group, and were indeed, the insiders for once. Some people (who choose not to attend adoption events) tell me that adoption just isn't a very big part of their (adopted) children's lives. I beg to differ. It's a very big part. It may not need to be all the time, of course, but it is always there. Giving kids a chance to be with other adoptees is one way to support them in their lives, and camps like this make it fun for the parents at the same time. After all, doesn't it sound good to have someone else do all the cooking and cleaning for a week-end? There will be a couple more camp dates in the new year, and if you are interested in finding out more or registering for one, send me an email.

2011-11-03T23:11:00.000-07:00

Abandon ship. No, I mean Abandon Hope. That's a quote from a book I am reading. Now, abandon hope sounds pretty depressing, but it's actually quite the opposite. It sort of means abandon hope of being exactly where you want to be, because you may never get there. So you need to stop waiting for life to become the perfect place you are hoping for, and just accept the way it is, and in fact take peace in where you are. I can't quite articulate what this really represents for me, but I went around today kind of chuckling to myself "abandon hope" and thinking it was funny. OK, I know, sometimes the humour gets pretty dark around here. Sometimes I meet parents (adoptive or birth) who are having difficulties with their child and are waiting for the moment when the difficult stage they are in will pass. But the fact is, that phase may or may not pass in a timely way, and if it does, it may move on to one with more challenges. It's like building a new home, and waiting for every little thing to be done that you have planned for, and then finding just when you get it completed, that you have to move because your job got transferred. You can live in hope; that everything will get better, and that once a certain number of things fall into place your life will be absolutely splendid, or you can abandon hope, and just live in the moment.Enough philosophy for the day. In the more mundane part of my life I still do not have a functioning washing machine. I do live in hope that it will get repaired soon... I don't think that's too great an expectation! I went to a workshop in Victoria today and realized tonight that I am supposed to pack a bunch of kids clothes (and my own) for two different camps taking place this week-end. I guess I may be doing what I always tell them not to do; rooting through the dirty laundry hamper for best candidates for re-wearing. There is a family camp this week-end, that is full, but if you missed out on this one there will be a couple more in the new year. The Captain returned home from his first stint on the fishing boat. He has a grizzled look, with some sort of beard thing growing on his face. He said when it was a choice between shaving and sleeping, he chose the latter. He also perfected sleeping in short stretches, and said that the weather out there (off the west coast of the Island) made it pretty adventurous, in kind of a "Deadliest Catch" kind of way. Not my idea of a good time, but then again, I was the one at home... hmm.

2011-11-01T23:41:00.000-07:00

When the Captain went to sea the other day I was happily able to play Olive Oyl to his Popeye. However, as the days pass, the novelty wears off. The multitude of tasks left to juggle begins to get wearing. And then of course there are the things that happen that are the ones I typically would call on him to help with. For example, the other day, the van wouldn't start. And I was out somewhere with a van full of (my) kids. We had been out for a walk and got back in and it just wouldn't start. It didn't make sense that it was the battery, but I sat there puzzling over it, while the kids offered to open the hood and look under it. For what reason I don't know except that I think they thought it would seem useful. Then I remembered that at some point the solution to the van not starting had been to crawl underneath and hit something with a hammer. For that reason I carried a hammer in the van for quite a while. I didn't have a hammer on this particular day, but we had a window scraper so I crawled underneath and tried to decide what to smack with it. A couple was walking by and the fellow of the two came over to ask if I had car trouble. (No, actually I just love to crawl under my vehicle). I explained that it wouldn't start, and that I seemed to recall some reason why smacking something might help. "Ah" he said, maybe it's the starter. So he crawled under, commenting that a hammer would work better than the scraper, but he whacked away at the underside anyway. And, lo and behold, it fired up. So now I do have a hammer in the car, and although I at present don't know where under the van I would hit, I feel better that the right piece of equipment is with me. The next misadventure for which I need someone mechanically inclined is the washing machine. It broke last night and now only makes groaning noises. The local hardware store diagnosed something stuck in the trap (after listening to my imitation of the groaning noise). They may be right, (the men of the hardware store) but I am not aware of how to find the "trap" on this machine, although I did learn where it was and how to empty it on our previous washing machine. The Captain is expected home soon; so I'll leave it to him.

2011-10-31T23:14:00.000-07:00

Hallowe'en; my least favourite of the "holidays" of the year; but certainly one the kids enjoy greatly. I mean, when else can you knock on strangers doors and ask for, and receive candy? Our tradition has changed over the past couple of years, but some things stay the same. We go to the corn maze in Yellowpoint where we get our pumpkins. We settle down one evening with the table coated with newspaper and everyone carves their pumpkins. The past couple of years marvellously the kids are pretty independent about this part. They get all the gunk out of the insides; they can even wield the knives without help. The teens sometimes help the younger ones, and this year it was a pretty amazingly amicable operation. The pumpkins are lined up outside our door now, and the one with the stream of vomit (pumpkin guts and seeds) coming out of the mouth was actually set there by second youngest daughter, age 12, not one of her brothers. Yesterday I was on the internet searching for something for our teens to do on Hallowe-en night. I strongly discourage them from trick-or-treating, unless they want to accompany me and the younger kids. I think kids who are teenagers and/or close to six feet tall shouldn't be out there knocking on doors, looking for free candy. So I ended up dropping the teens at the haunted house up at Beban Park (one of our local recreation centres). They ended up going through it a couple of times, and really enjoyed it. Apparently it was quite effectively frightening. Not my kind of fun, but they came out laughing. The younger kids and I trick or treated in the neighbourhood of one of my adult kids; she and her partner came along with us. We went around the houses in our neighbourhood first; but because all the properties are large, that means a lot of walking for just a few houses so we went into "suburbia" for the joy of homes closer together, on city lots. This year no one in our house purchased new costumes; the basement has a couple of rubbermaid boxes full of previous years cast offs which they waded through to find what to wear. Among the characters leaving our home this year were a couple of clowns, a pirate, and two of those frightening people with black gowns and creepy face masks. At one point my son who is African heritage had pulled off his mask, and was cavorting from door to door simply wearing the black gown. When asked what he was supposed to be he answered "a black ghost". The woman at the door looked a bit bemused. Anyway, my least favourite holiday is over for another year, and now I can watch for the stores to get ready for.....Christmas.

2011-10-26T22:59:00.000-07:00

Parent teacher interviews; it's the season. Yesterday I attended them at our intermediate school for three of our kids. It was a relatively positive experience. Four of our kids attend there and they all seem to have awesome teachers. One teacher is new to us, the others have taught at least one of our older kids, some have taught a few of them. We have a rapport which seems to be standing us in good stead. There wasn't much new in the exchange of information. One of the kids needs to be reminded to do homework, and to take things more seriously (two of these kids are in grade seven - by grade eight the social promotion will come to a bit of a grinding halt; if you can't do the work, you don't pass the course - a bit of a rude awakening to those who think they are working at grade level). There were no particular surprises, but it was good for the kids to see and hear that the teachers and I are literally on the same page. Tomorrow I have to attend a meeting at the alternate school that two of our kids attend. That will also be a chance for our son in particular to see that we are all talking together. Being involved with your child's education has a significant impact on their success. Among other things, it lets them know you think it is important. We have homework time after school with our kids; everyone has to do homework or read for a period of time dependent on age. That means if you say you don't have homework there is still something you can do. For our youngest son who has some real reading difficulties, it means I have bought a series of very basic books that he can read (Kool and Child); some of them have a parent page followed by a much easier page for the child to read. Or sometimes he and I just take turns in any book he chooses. In spite of busy schedules, we try to drive on at least a few field trips each year, and make ourselves known around the school. It hasn't been hard to become known simply by the number of children we've had going through the school doors, but we try to keep it so they don't run the other way when we enter! We've learned over the years that the culture of a school is often impacted significantly by the principal, and sometimes a few key teachers. We've witnessed a few different styles, and feel really fortunate with most of our kids school experiences. Staying involved gets harder when they hit high school; but I think we still are recognized there (although it hasn't all been for positive reasons!)Anyway, I'll do my meeting tomorrow, and hope it goes as well as it did yesterday.

2011-10-25T23:35:00.000-07:00

So from the "be careful what you wish for" department, the day after I wrote that post about the Captain seeking other employment he got a call. Pack a bag and head for a boat. A fish boat. So off he went, return, unknown. OK, not really unknown, but it sounds exciting that way. I had my own private adventure. He had loaded the van up with stuff for the dump earlier that day, before knowing he was leaving town (or did he know...). Well, it's not called the dump, it's called the regional "landfill". Anyway, I had never been there before. I had been to the dump in our previous home community (although not frequently I might say), but somehow I had managed to avoid this particular part of the household delineation of chores. But since the van was loaded, and if I didn't get rid of the stuff at the dump I would have to unload it anyway, I thought I'd make the trip. It was interesting. I particularly liked tossing things into the bins. Especially things that made noise when they landed. Like tossing metal objects into the metal recycling bin. I could see why he had kept this particular chore to himself. He had always implied it was onerous, one of those things to be avoided. And really, it was a lovely outing on a sunny day. And the staff there were very friendly. Next time he can stay home with the kids while I go to the dump. I am busy finding more things that need to go there. I might just need to take another trip before he gets back.

2011-10-23T21:45:00.000-07:00

"Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely". Somerset Maugham said.This is ever true for our family, and is what we have adjusted to as parents to this clan, and to life as we know it. Life could undoubtedly prove more predictable, (although never totally so), if our lives did not have so many people included in the circle we call family. And along with the ever changing nature of kids growing up and leaving home, (or not), coming back, creating their own families etc there are the other things in life. Like jobs. The Captain is seeking increased employment; being underemployed at his current job. His industry (marine) is not as busy as it once was, and he is having to look further afield than ever before. The range of places he is looking includes other communities on the Island, the Mainland and back East. The ramifications of any of these moves is significant. But at present, since all are just possibilities it's not good to even speculate about what any of those moves might mean for our family. And yet of course we have to. We have to consider housing costs in various places, the network of connections we've developed here and how it would be to lose it, and the school and adult supports for individuals with disabilities that exist here and in other places, including other provinces. It's a road we have to go down, and we just hope that we get a green light to show us when and where we should go because the choice won't be easy, if there is even one to be made. Some of our kids are aware of these possibilities; and of those kids some are excited, some worried, and some just don't want to leave here. But the fact is, we the parents get to make the best decision for the family, taking everything into account. Years ago, when our oldest daughter was a young teen we contemplated a move to a much smaller community than we lived in. She strongly voiced her opinions, (the lack of a big mall where we were considering being her biggest complaint), and we listened. She now says we should have ignored her. We would never ignore our kids but the truth is that parents have a different perspective than kids. They know about household expenses, about services in the community, about a myriad of things that children and teens just don't have to consider in the same way. They know the big picture. Change is hard, no doubt about it. But life is change. And for us, growth is not optional. So grow we all will. In whatever way we need to.

2011-10-16T23:50:00.000-07:00

So the other day we were invited to a dinner with a bunch of other adults we are acquainted with. We ended up deciding not to go. Partly because we have just been very busy, partly because going out means either hiring a highly paid sitter or getting one of our adult kids to come over yet again to help out, and partly because the thought of making polite conversation with people whose lives are so completely divergent from ours just seemed a bit too much to ask. Most adoptive families I know have stories about their adoptions that aren't the kind you can share with regular people. Families who adopt from out of the country often have unbelievable stories of their journey - both geographical and in the very experiences they had in their child's country of origin. Not to mention stories of orphanages, birth families or other things typical families just don't know much about. Families who adopt from the foster care system have other stories; some of which don't make easy conversation with someone who just wants to tell you about their recent trip to Mexico or Hawaii. And even those who adopt an infant domestically sometimes have had harrowing experiences with birth parents who changed their minds, or babies who arrived differently than expected. That's where talking to other's who have shared experiences helps. The people you can sit down with who ask you how it's going and actually want to know. Whose eyes don't glaze over, and who don't look like they are thinking "I told you it would be like this" or "I told you how hard it would be to adopt a child from that country". The fact is that those of us who do this are often risk takers, may even be described as crazy, and indeed are certainly willing to change our lives to include that of a child not born to us, for a variety of reasons. And although most of the time we have much more in common with the rest of the humans in the world than not, we are somehow different. The stories of how our families came to be, and the things that enrich our lives each and every day make us so. And it's worth talking about and sharing with those who understand us. And sometimes with those who don't. But only when we want to.

2011-10-14T16:00:00.000-07:00

Well, we did our Thanksgiving dinner, albeit a couple of days late. Most of our teens were at a youth gathering/conference in another town Thanksgiving week-end, and were gone from Friday morning to late Monday evening. Tuesdays three of our kids have riding lessons until later in the evening. So I decided to do the meal on Wednesday. Our out of town adults were of course not able to make it that day, but there are enough in-towners to take up table space. In all 19 of us sat down to dinner. A 25 lb turkey, a ham, stuffing, gravy etc. Daughter #3 brought the pies and whipped cream and a lovely dinner was eaten, if I do say so myself. We all sat down at the long tables (more than one table), and it was one of the more peaceful holiday dinners we've hosted. Although I had pondered not doing a big dinner, I was really glad that I did. The younger kids love seeing the adults come home. Even the ones who didn't grow up together seem to form connections not unlike in any big family. In some of these cases however, the kids have had very little time together, in particular the ones who've joined us in the past couple of years haven't spent much time with any of the adult kids. There is an understanding that this is their family; these are the people they are connected to, and they love to see them. The room mate of one of our adult kids came for dinner; her second time at our house. She herself grew up in foster care so has a deeper understanding. She commented to a couple of our adult kids how lucky they are to have grown up here. I made a joke of it; said, "it takes until they are about 30 for any kid to appreciate their parents and the family life they grew up in, if then." I don't think I appreciated my parents enough; it's the way of the world. Anyway, we had turkey leftovers yesterday, and turkey soup tonight and that will be the end of it until Christmas. Then the table will be slightly fuller, with the out of towners here as well. And that will be a party. I can't wait.

2011-10-11T23:11:00.000-07:00

School assignments sometimes present challenges to kids who've joined their families differently. There's often the family tree project. But this week was a "Personal Timeline" assignment. One of my kids who joined us later in life, and with a complicated history was supposed to complete this task. It proved challenging in more ways than one. We met with the teacher, and she gave some great suggestions as to how we could do it with our child with sensitivity, and leaving room for spaces where there might need to be some. Like a few of our kids, we have few photos of this child as a toddler, and none as a baby. We did the project together; allowing for decisions to be made about what information to share on the timeline, and what to keep private. It ended up being a great way to talk about the past, and to celebrate the things that have happened in our family along the way. The poster board/timeline won't look quite the same as every one else's - but then it's not supposed to. We all come into the world in our own way, and we all have our own timelines and stories to tell. This one is our child's.

2011-10-08T10:18:00.000-07:00

My daughter that just had a baby has joined a whole new world. The world of knowing that this little person entrusted to your care (whether by birth or adoption) is now connected to you forever; will pull on your heartstrings for the rest of your life. When you think about it, the future is quite a different place. Having a child is a whole new level of existence. And, as we know, (along with the rest of the world), as they get older, including as they age into adulthood it doesn't necessarily get easier. How do we all cope with this incredible gift, which can also be a burden? The most important thing I've learned along the way is that I can only live each day with love, commitment, integrity and do my very best in all the things in life I've chosen to take on. And that includes being a parent. Easier said than done. The toughest part of life is accepting how very many things we simply can't control. I've been reading some books on Buddhism, and learning a lot. I'd like to go for some teaching but I don't have time right now. (That sounds a bit of a contradiction doesn't it?). We watched a movie last night called "Adjustment Bureau" I don't want to spoil it for you, but the movie includes a character called "the Chairman" who is supposed to be kind of like whatever spiritual higher power we may believe in. In the movie there are people called "adjustors" who try to keep us on the path the Chairman wants us on. Free will is supposed to be in limited supply because we as humans have screwed the world up so much. It's an interesting movie. But free will is indeed what our children have as they get older. They walk their own path no matter whether adopted or by birth. I, like many other adoptive parents have had to watch some of my children search out birth parents, sometimes finding a happy ending, sometimes not so much. In these complex relationships I am only one part. I can only control what I put out, what I offer to my children. And that's hard. But it's hard for all parents. As my daughter will discover, the journey in parenting is a roller coaster.Robert Brault said "It is one thing to show your child the way, and a harder thing to then stand out of it" Standing out of the way. Good luck with that.

2011-10-05T22:20:00.000-07:00

So I've left my daughter and grand-daughter many miles away and am home to the rest of my clan; where I was welcomed and hugged heartily. It was bittersweet to have to leave; thank goodness for all the ways in which we can now communicate. When my parents left their families and came to Canada in the 1950's, they rarely even made phone calls home due to the expense. And even less commonly made the trek back to England. There was no email, no Skype, no Iphones (with ability to send a photo in the moment) and certainly no regularity of visits. So I feel very grateful that I will be able to stay connected in so many ways.

I quickly settled into the routine at home; helping with homework, reading stories and cooking dinner. I was craving meat, after eating solely vegan and vegetarian while I was away so roast chicken went into the oven. The Captain was glad they hadn't been able to convert me while I was there. Having a parent go away is hard on some kids, especially those with attachment issues. However, it is also good for kids to see that adults who love them can leave, and then come back. Meanwhile, they were also able to see that the family can also function well but differently with one parent away. There are many families where a parent has to be away for work; either by working out of town for weeks (or months) at a time, or just to travel periodically. Kids, and parents, can learn to cope with the separations and the change in the dynamic in the family. It takes work and creativity of course. Like most things, it seems. Meanwhile, I'll go and make lunches.

2011-10-03T12:09:00.000-07:00

So I've been out of town for a few days. I came to be with my oldest daughter while she had her first baby. Anyone who has attended a birth knows that the word "miraculous" simply doesn't do it justice. This birth was very special; a home birth with midwives. It was an absolutely amazing experience. A baby girl joined the world; 7 lbs, named Veronica, after my mother. (That photo is of her at less than three days old). And I was there, to provide support, and to share in this very special time. I feel privileged that my daughter and son-in law were willing to include me. Whenever people think of home birth, I imagine many of them assume high risk, and that only crazy people would do it. In Ontario where my daughter lives, there is a well developed system where midwives have been doing both hospital and home births for years. They are regulated and licensed, and the midwives that came to support my daughter were extremely professional. As my daughter's due date came and went, the midwife began to talk to her about the risks that need to be considered when babies are late. I loved the analogy she used; playgrounds are safe place for kids to play, but occasionally accidents happen, and even more rare, a child could die. So do we stop our kids from playing on playgrounds? Of course not. We minimize risks. This childbirth was unmedicated, and as close to natural is it could be. Was it safe? I never doubted the midwives were doing everything to ensure that a healthy baby and mother were the outcome. Were there still risks? Of course. Even when something seems relatively low risk things can go wrong. There are no guarantees in life. As I watched this baby come into the world, and her parents with her over the following hours and days, one thing seemed clear. She is well loved. She is breastfed, and that is also going very well. The team of mother, father and baby is operating like they have been doing this for much longer than less than a week. I came to support them in this special time, and I feel like they are ready to rock and roll. Their little family is thriving and it's time for me to go. Mission accomplished.

keep calm and carry on

2011-09-27T18:11:00.000-07:00

Keep calm and carry on. Don't know if you've ever seen one of the posters that says that; some of them have a crown at the top. This was a slogon on a poster created by the British government at the beginning of the Second World War. It was intended to encourage people to keep up their good spirits in the event of invasion, or I guess any other aspect of the war they found discouraging. I really like it. I find adoptive parents among the most determined people I know. Those who adopt from another country face a number of obstacles and challenges that those who adopt locally do not. I've been lately following the odyssey of a family who just returned with their baby girl from another country, and if I read back I can see how truly momentous and difficult their process has been. Many people would simply give up. The same goes for those who adopt locally. The process is long and has many steps. It's hard to be calm when you are trying to do something which you think will be one of the most important that you will do in your life. And then, for both kinds of adoptions the journey is just beginning. There will still be life long challenges along the way, as there are for all parents. What to do when you are in that adoption process, or if you have adopted and are experiencing difficulty? Keep calm and carry on. Because no matter where you are in the journey, next year you will be someplace else. There is almost always a way from where you are now, to where you want to be next. It will just take time, and maybe some adjustments along the way. So, keep calm and carry on. Say it with an English accent, that might help.

tag team parenting

2011-09-25T22:11:00.000-07:00

Tag team parenting. I'm essentially talking about when parents take turns. It ranges from the ordinary, one parent with the kids while the other goes to the grocery store to some other more extreme turn taking. I have friends; a couple with three healthy birth kids who have never taken a vacation together. That is, the parents have not been away from their kids together for more than an evening in 20 years of marriage. The parents take separate vacations so that one of them is always at home with the kids. Tag team parenting is also common for lots of families where there are two parents who work outside the home. Sometimes parents have different shifts (either by choice or because their work demands it) so that one parent goes in the door as the other goes out. Or one works Monday to Friday and the other week-ends. And still other parents I know with more challenging kids take turns simply so that they can have moments of sanity where they don't have to be supervising. This is where I really admire single parents who sometimes don't have anyone to switch off with. Couples who truly parent together have the wonderful advantage of having someone else they can turn to when they are about to pull out their hair. They can schedule time off knowing the other parent knows what the deal is. They don't have to explain all the idosynracies of their child's needs, and what to do about this behaviour or that. The balance with tag teaming is also in making time for the whole family to be together, or for the parents to get time as a couple. Makes life challenging. But it's a good challenge. After all, it means a family has lots of people in it who need time with each other. And that's a good thing.

Adoption Questionnaire

2011-09-22T20:54:00.000-07:00

I get quite a few calls from people thinking of adopting, and many of them want to know the difference between adopting through the Ministry of Children and Family Development, or from an adoption agency. There are of course, some significant differences. If you want to apply to adopt an infant or child through the BC Ministry of Children and Family Development you have to complete an Adoption Questionnaire. You can download it from the MCFD website. The questionnaire states: "All infants and children may have problems which could affect their future development. It is important to the adoption process to decide whether you would be willing to parent a child with special needs. This questionnaire is designed to help you identify the background factors and special needs that you feel you are able to consider in the child you wish to adopt. Complete this form and return it to the District Office of your Adoption Worker. An Adoption Questionnaire Reference Guide has been prepared as a companion document to this questionnaire to provide some basic information about the more commonly found conditions or special needs. This guide can be obtained from your Adoption Worker. You are encouraged to learn more about the implications of adopting a child with special needs by talking with an adoption worker, doctor, and other professionals." On the questionnaire you are asked to check the boxes that describe a child you might be willing to parent. The kinds of questions include some of the following risk factors. (Those of you who have already adopted through MCFD are likely well familiar with the questionnaire, and what the implications are for many of these factors). They present a complicated number of factors. Here are some of them: Risks Identified at Birth: 1. Anoxia/Hypoxia 2. Low Birth Weight, Genetic Factors/Risks: Allergies, Asthma,Diabetes, Epilepsy/Seizures, Mental Disability, Mood Disorder, Schizophrenia, Prenatal Alcohol/Drug Exposure: Alcohol Exposure - Limited, Alcohol Exposure - Prolonged, Drug Exposure - Limited, Drug Exposure - Prolonged, Alcohol/Drug Related Diagnoses: Alcohol - Related Neurodevelopmental Disorder, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, Neonatal Abstinence Syndrome, Partial Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, Premature Birth: 1. High Risk 2. Low Risk Intellectual Disabilities: Down’s Syndrome, Mental Disability, Physical Disabilities: Cerebral Palsy, Orthopaedic Irregularities Spina Bifida, Developmental Delay: Mental Development Delay, Physical Developmental, Delay Sensory Loss: Hearing Impaired, Vision Impaired, Other Special Needs: Facial Irregularities, Feeding/Special Diet Administration, Uses Wheelchair, Walk with Assistance or Mobility Aid Medical Diagnosis (physical/mental/behavioural): AIDS, Allergies - Other, Allergies - Pets, Allergies - Smoking, Anxiety Disorder, Asperger’s Disorder, Asthma, Attention Deficit, Hyperactive Disorder, Hepatitis C, Hydrocephalus, Mood Disorder, Personality Disorder, Reactive Attachment Disorder, Schizophrenia, Short Life Expectancy, Autism, Diabetes, Eating Disorder, Epilepsy/Seizures, Failure to Thrive, HIV Positive, Heart Defect, Hepatitis B, Learning Disabilities: Reading/Writing, Oral Language, Child has Experienced: Abuse - Emotional, Abuse - Physical, Neglect, Multiple Caregivers/Attachment Issues. Abuse - Sexual, Detrimental Parenting, Child Exibits: Aggression, Anxiety, Bed-Wetting, Destructiveness, Hyperactivity, Inappropriate Sexual Behaviour, Lying, Nightmares, Profound Dependency, Soiling, Stealing, Temper Tantrums, Withdrawal This is just some of what is on the questionnaire. Often pre-adoptive parents want to know more about what some of these mean. Along with talking with professionals, (as mentioned above) to find out more, you can also connect with adoptive or foster parents, attend a support group or call someone from AFA BC.

Expressions of Family Youth Art Contest

2011-09-21T21:59:00.000-07:00

Show us your visual art expressions of family, adoption or permanence. In celebration of Adoption Awareness Month 2011, the Adoptive Families Association of BC is hosting a youth art contest. Youth, who have been touched by adoption or foster care, ages 12-24 may submit their visual expressions (painting, drawing, photography, etc) of family, adoption or permanence. The works will then be judged by a professional art panel and chosen to be featured in traveling galleries throughout British Columbia during Adoption Awareness Month (November). Hundreds of dollars in prizes! Submissions must be received by: October 7, 2011. E-mail or Mail submissions to: kzgonc@bcadoption.com or AFABC, attn: Karen Zgonc, 200/7342 Winston St., Burnaby, BC V5A 2H1 If you have any questions, feel free to contact Karen Zgonc at kzgonc@bcadoption.com

I am still her daughter

2011-09-20T01:07:00.000-07:00

As my oldest daughter is about to have her first baby, it gives me cause to reflect on the loss of my own mother some 23 years ago. I miss her still, sometimes, even now. I guess I am still her daughter. She has not been here to witness the growth of our family; to play with them, laugh with them, sing - which she often did. But I am still her daughter. I am the girl she raised to love and welcome, to have an open heart and mind. I am still her daughter. In spite of the fact that she is not here to laugh and cry with me, I am still her daughter. She isn't here in my kitchen, baking scones and scattering flour, but I am still her daughter. I am who I am because she loved me beyond measure. I knew what a mothers love looked like because I saw it every day. I am still her daughter. I have forgotten sometimes, where I came from because it seems so long ago. But as I think about my daughter, about to become a mother I remember. This love that my mother had for me, that I have passed on, it means my mother is still here. She is in me when I read stories with my children, when I cook dinner, when I preside over my end of the table at dinner, when I do the laundry and make the lunches. She is in me when I cry for the pain in my children's lives, and when I laugh with their joy. My mother is still here. And she will be there a few days from now when my daughter has her baby. She will be there with me, and my daughter and her grandchild. Because she is still my mother, and I am still her daughter.

would have liked to have been a fly on the wall...

2011-09-19T01:20:00.000-07:00

So, I guess a few of you read this blog. I know that because it went private for a couple of days and some of you noticed. Anyway, here it is, back in print. Where would I have liked to have been a fly on a wall? Down in Atlanta the other night where Cindy of the 37 kids, and Brenda, the Adoption Counselor got together for dinner. I know it's public information because Cindy blogged about it. Now I would love to have heard those two talk about adoption. Both have adopted lots of kids and both have been writing sometimes witty, but always real blog posts about their lives with their kids. They both have wisdom and experience; something sometimes lacking in the professionals that deal with parents with kids by adoption. The book certainly hasn't been written that could hold their collective advice. (Now that's a good idea). Meanwhile, we had our own family dinner with the kids at home, after a walk at Goldstream Park. It was lovely there; the fish aren't swimming upstream quite yet, but it was a beautiful afternoon and it had been high time for some family connectedness. That's a great place for a walk, and for a family BBQ - there were several families roasting marshmallows in the fire pits there. Next time we'll take ours.

your new reality?

2011-09-15T23:14:00.000-07:00

I found, in a scrap paper file, a piece of paper that was part of a workshop I helped present back in 2006 for people considering adoption of older kids. It goes like this: Things to think about:Your lives will change.You will live in what seems like a crisis state for a period of time ranging from weeks to years (unless you are lucky like those who win the lottery).You will lose some of your friends.You will gain some new ones who you may like much better.You may have to change jobs, work less, or not at all.You may become the parent you never wanted to be.You will experience extreme joy and extreme pain.You can feel extremely proud as a parent for each new accomplishment your child demonstrates.You will likely have to forge relationships with people you might not have chosen to ever speak to.You may have to move or renovate your house.You may get to know school principals, local police etc in ways you hadn't thought of. Our family is in the middle of a difficult time and the above list actually gave us a smile as we realized how accurate it is. So take each line and think about it; it may one day become your new reality.

adoption pot luck

2011-09-10T23:50:00.000-07:00

A half dozen families gathered today at the beach to have a pot-luck lunch and connect with other adoptive families. It was a blustery day, but it was sunny and most of us didn't mind the weather. There were familiar faces and a few new ones. There were children who had just joined their families, and those who don't remember when they got adopted. The food was good, the company even better. As usual, the adoption community attending reflected diversity in so many ways. There were big families and small, single parents and two parent families. There were children from afar, and children adopted locally. We ate lunch, and the kids played on the grass for literally hours. The diehards went swimming, and a creative dad made a teeter-totter out of a large log on the beach. There was facepainting, and kicking a soccer ball around. And for some reason a brightly coloured tablecloth became the most popular item to play with of the afternoon. I have never seen a length of fabric used so well and so creatively. It was great cooperative play. At the end of the afternoon we herded up the kids and took them home; to sleep well, after a great day of fun. For those who are thinking of adopting these events are a great opportunity to meet adoptive parents, and to see adopted kids. It's good to see that they typically have only one head, and although some of them had green and purple faces (from facepaint) today, they really give you a sense of what adoption is all about.

I want a pony for Christmas....

2011-09-08T23:18:00.000-07:00

Two of my girls sat down the other night to plan the purchase of a horse. It's a common joke around our house about getting a pony for Christmas (or a birthday). It's not going to happen. But we tease about it. We were watching that show the other day where they build the family a new home; I haven't seen it enough to figure out the criteria but I find it quite ridiculous. They take a family with three kids who live in a trailer and build them a mansion with every bedroom looking like a theme park. (OK, that's just a bad example). I know, there is probably a very good reason why they choose each family, and I'm sure everyone deserves the bedroom (and home) of their dreams but I find it a bit over the top. And I know a ton of families who'd qualify for the show hands down. And they'd mostly just appreciate an extra bathroom, and maybe a better kitchen. (OK, that's just me I was talking about).
Anyway, we were watching the show and I kept asking which kid was going to end up with a pony in her room. (It turned out no-one in that family had the horse/pony obsession).
The horse purchase planning of my girls became quite formal; they had a list of things a horse needs to eat, how much it costs to get the hooves trimmed (who knew?), how much saddles are etc. Their plan was to share the horse. i pointed out that it would not be welcome in our yard. They had a plan to chip in their wages to support the horse elsewhere. I wasn't really too worried; the horse they wanted to buy is priced at $1000, and one of these girls can't get her bank account past $100. However, I thought it time to put the horse aquistion in perspective. I suggested that before they purchased a horse and began providing for it's every need they should think about their own needs as they move towards independence. (They are both 18). We had a brief conversation about what it costs to rent an apartment and that caused some pause. It seemed like the horse was going to have more food and shelter security than they were, so perhaps he's on hold.

back to school...

2011-09-06T23:33:00.000-07:00

Back to school. For most of our kids anyway. Two are attending an alternate school that doesn't start up until next week. The remainder are attending our local high school and intermediate school. They had one hour of school today; tomorrow is a regular day. The Captain went to the intermediate school. He waited with the kids in the gym while they were called to their classes. Usually they go to their classes from the year before for the first day, or sometimes a week. Today they were slotted into tentative classes. The Captain hung around; making sure everyone was well established and comfortable in their classes. I had put in one teacher request and it was respected, thankfully. I don't usually do that, but sometimes there is a good reason.
We've had kids in attendance at this school for 11 years; this year we have four kids there. For most of that time we've had between 3 and 5 kids at the school; one year we had two in grade seven, one in grade six, two in grade five and one in grade four. I think that was our all time high. We now have the second school principal in that time. They have been very different from one another, but both have been wonderfully receptive and responsive to our family. A school principal can make a huge difference in a school; we feel lucky to have had these two leaders who have been so supportive to our children, and to our family with it's varied needs.
Tomorrow morning we'll be getting up bright and early to herd everyone them off to their first full days. That alarm clock will seem mighty early to kids who've grown accustomed to sleeping in and having leisurely breakfasts. (Not to mention us parents).

Welcome back, school

2011-09-02T23:12:00.000-07:00

Summer is almost over; you can feel the coolness in the air in the evenings, and it's getting darker sooner. But what's the other sign of fall's impending arrival for me? My kids are getting snaky. At least some of them are. Although we've had lots going on; summer camps, holidays, day trips, you name it, it's all come to a grinding halt. The last couple of weeks of summer tend to be hard if we don't have lots going on. Many of the summer activities and camps are over, and yet it's not quite time for school. You can only do so much shopping for school supplies, new shoes etc. I purposely filled in one of my teens last two weeks of summer by registering him in camps but he flat out refused to go at the last minute (costing us several hundred dollars). He's our teen who has the most difficulty finding appropriate ways to interact socially, and just in general, ways to spend time. So for him in particular, but for all of our teens next week's school routine will be welcome.
I don't say the same for my younger kids; they are still having fun doing things like picking blackberries, doing arts and crafts and just generally have still not quite run out of ways to have a good time out of school.
So this week-end will be one last kick at the can; to the beach, a BBQ dinner, visits from family members and then begin to ease back into the regular school year routine.
I am always glad when summer begins; and usually almost as glad when it ends.
Roll on school.

message for living

2011-08-28T00:03:00.000-07:00

Today I'd like to quote Jack Layton's last letter because it so eloquently gives us a message for a way to live.

"Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic and we'll change the world."

31 years of parenting....

2011-08-23T23:12:00.000-07:00

People ask all the time how we keep sane amid living with a horde of kids; the constant busyness followed by episodes of just plain crazy, followed by regular old cooking, shopping and laundry. And we've been doing it in varying degrees (parenting, anyway), for 31 years.
We've done all different things to maintain our humour and sanity. For a while the Captain and I had a regular date night once a week. That's fallen by the wayside, but we do make time for our relationship (which is better than ever).
Some years we've had a few week-ends away from the kids as a couple; some years not at all. We've even had a couple of times when we've gone away together for a whole five days. (I think we managed that twice; for each of our older daughters university graduations). We've had separate time away from the kids and family due to our work; that helps keep the mind alive and the recognition for yourself that you can still function as a human with the ability to solve problems beyond those created by teens with angst.
But I really think for us, and those parents who are lifers; who are parenting over a long time span, or who are parenting high needs kids, or lots of kids, it's all about accepting your life for what it is; indeed loving it for what it brings. There is a blog out there that I discovered one day written by a dad who adopted a child, and ended up subsequently going to live in Africa; and if I remember correctly the title is something like "how adoption ruined my life" But he didn't really mean it ruined his life. He was referring to how much his life changed after he adopted, in more ways than he could have imagined. (They ended up going to live in the country his child by adoption came from).
And that's what our life is like; not ruined by adoption, but different than it would have been, in ways we could never have imagined.
And back to my original thought about getting time alone, or breaks, or whatever you think adults need? We get them, here and there, sometimes more than others. We have a great life. It's never the same, and we can't predict exactly what it will look like a year from now. And that's fun. We're past middle age and we don't know exactly what the future holds. One day we will have all the time off, and predictability we need, and I can't imagine quite what that will be like, and maybe I don't want to.

E Camp

2011-08-14T23:47:00.000-07:00

Got back this afternoon from an amazing camp. It was a wee-end family camp for those with children who joined their families by adoption from Ethiopia, as well as families who were themselves Ethiopian; parents and kids. It was wonderful!!! Along with the fun and games of a summer camp (waterfront, a slip and slide, outdoor activities like basketball, a climbing wall and numerous crafts) there was the fact that for once my black sons got to be in a place where they were in the majority. But it wasn't just that simple fact that made this camp magical. There was a real sense of connectedness and community amongst the families.
And on the Saturday night, a traditional Ethiopian feast was prepared. Children and families dressed in traditional clothing, and a coffee ceremony took place as well. This included roasting coffee beans in a pan over a fire; grinding them and brewing up a lovely pot of very special coffee. Ethiopian music played; children and parents danced and a good time was had by all.
Families who attended this camp came from as far as Toronto; although the majority from the Victoria area. Many thanks to Diane and Susie for organizing this amazing event.

Statistically quite safe

2011-08-11T18:21:00.000-07:00

One of the fun things I did this summer was to take one of my teens to the mall. The West Edmonton mall. Something you should know, is that I hate malls. So it wasn't like I thought of something I really wanted to do and decided to invite someone along. I planned this trip to be a mother/son trip mostly about fun things he could do, that we could do together. As someone who saw us pointed out, it's probably just a matter of time before he won't want to hang out with me. If you've never been to the WEM you should. We had some fun and I mean it. One of my favorite memories involved the rides. I don't like rides, but neither did my son. Difference is that I'm old. I'm not supposed to, or at least I have an excuse. He didn't like them and I had to convince him that people rarely die on roller coasters etc. This was my own mistake because then he wanted me to go on too. So I did. I got on this ride with circular appendages that spun in circles and up and down. To start with a bar comes down and holds you in. Kind of made me claustrophobic. I tried to think happy thoughts like I do while in the dentist chair. Then it started spinning and tossing us around. I was reminded about the lunch I had eaten not too long before. There were noises that made me wonder if the machinery was in good repair and if I had been wrong informing my son about how safe the rides were. I did a few more rides after that one, including one which had fairly tolerable forward movements but then started to go backwards. That's when I had to think happy thoughts again. The trip was an amazing experience. My son and I talked without interruption, we reinforced our relationship and we had fun. We laughed together about all sorts of things. We have lots of stories and memories that I think we'll carry with us for a long time.

Reality Bites

2011-08-10T22:46:00.000-07:00

The more I parent the less I know. About everything. And it seems, just when I think I've seen it all, I find I have not. However, I do feel like I am learning just a bit along the way. You may have heard me whine about teenagers a few times on this blog. Or if you've been with me, you've heard me complain. It's just that they are so much like large toddlers, but so much harder to handle. You can't just pick them up physically when they get grumpy with you (and perhaps take them to their room), they take up so much space, they eat so much...and so on.
And, they seem to have such a limited grip on reality, and such an egocentric view of life; again, a lot like toddlers.
At my house there are a few teens hanging around. Well, they aren't just hanging around, they live there. You might think they are just hanging around. They seem to have a skewed perception about how life runs. For example, they are slobs. The bathroom is a mess, they leave their dishes absolutely everywhere, and if they cook for themselves, they leave a trail behind them. Now, summer is a less organized time, so things we normally do are a bit off track. And the fact is, the teens are simply around more during the summer. However, isn't there some common sense? The Captain suggested we hang a sign on the front door that says "Pigs Live Here" and he means the teens. It's like they think someone else will wander around undoing their damage. And, (I sigh) too much of the time that's exactly what I do. Even the Captain was reduced to cleaning up their kitchen misfires the other day just because it was easier than trying to figure out which of them had done it (they all said "it wasn't me!).
They also seem to have some confusion about how the world works. One of the teens is working one day a week, and wonders why a sibling is working two part time jobs; I mean, why would anyone work that much? And, why would anyone work week-ends? I mean, that gets in the way of your social life for sure. I pointed out that the sister would likely lose her job if she simply told the boss that she didn't like working Saturdays; that she'd rather be with her friends. This was a revelation; that you would have to work when someone else wanted you to, instead of when it was convenient. It got better. One of the other teens wanted to know if you could live on 11 hours of work a week. Live, as in, rent an apartment and eat (I think meaning without your parents buying your food). Some simple math cleared that up. The next question, wouldn't the government just give you (as an adult) a place to live if you didn't have one? That moved us on to some other facts; it's your responsibility to get a job, if you are able, and support yourself, it's not up to the government. A few of our kids grew up in families that were dependent on the social service system for all their needs; and a couple still have contact with family members who live that way. And for some people, that's what has to happen for them to have a secure income, food to eat, etc. But for those who can work and provide for themselves, that's the goal. So it's tricky making that distinction. Trying not to be judgemental, while still letting our value system be known; now that's a challenge.
Our teens have been encouraged this summer (when they haven't been at camps etc) to try to find their own ways around. We are trying to get them to take the bus, to ride a bike where they need to go. We are not full time chauffeurs; and we have other things to do besides be available to drive whenever, wherever. (Surprise, surprise). It's working. One of the girls road her bike to work today for the first time. And liked it. Small steps. Tomorrow, maybe it will be a new "clean up the kitchen" schedule.

Choices, choices

2011-08-09T21:09:00.000-07:00

The ethical dilemmas that face us daily are huge! I just finished a great book called "The Omnivore's Dilemma" by Michael Pollen. A wonderful way to challenge yourself to think about the choices we make every day that we buy food.
Buying organic seems a good idea; for our bodies, for the farmer who grows it, for the earth. But what about buying something organic that came from 6000 miles away? Is that better than buying a local, non-organic food? What about the transportation of that food over that distance across countries; is that good for the earth?
And don't even get started on commercial production of beef, chickens, eggs, etc. The ethics of what we do to animals before we eat them, or what they produce is another issue yet again. Qualify of life for the animals I eat is important too. (Sounds weird I know, but I like to think they lived happily before being on my plate).
What I took from the book, simply, is that it's best to buy local, whenever you can. (Which I knew already). Look into the eye of the farmer who is selling you the food as often as possible. I already look into the eye of the owner of the cow which will soon be in my freezer. (Actually, I got to look into the eyes of the cow itself). I know the farmer where my eggs come from, and I try to buy from local farmers markets. But it's tough. Then there are all the other choices we make that we try to teach our kids about. Let's buy this product because it was made in Canada. Let's buy this because it has less packaging. Let's buy this because it wasn't tested on animals. Let's buy this because it's biodegradable. And on and on. I made a pledge to buy all my clothes from second hand/thrift stores a while ago. And I have pretty much stuck to it; except for things like socks and underwear which I'd prefer not to come by second hand, even if they were there and in good shape. But I wouldn't make my kids (or the Captain) abide by that; it's my decision. However, my kids see me with new (new to me) clothes and I tell them where they came from and a couple of them recognize a good deal when they see one.
But again, it's a choice for complex reasons. Cheaper? Yes, usually. But when things go on sale at a store at the end of a season they are also sometimes very inexpensive if you know how to shop. So the other reason? To keep new ones from having to be made. Does it really matter? Probably not. But like all the other small decisions that I try to make for the right reasons, sometimes it's just worth the effort to know I tried.

Who's in charge

2011-08-08T22:29:00.000-07:00

Who's really in charge at your house? If you have a toddler it's probably them. If you have teens you know they want to be. Parenting teens is such a challenge. We want them to learn to make good decisions for themselves, but sometimes they don't. Our house, at present housing several teens has it's share of teen angst - the boyfriend/girlfriend stuff for example. And one of the things that perpetuates it (the angst) is the use of cell phones. The constant texting and phoning means the gossip spreads almost before the topic of it took place. We've had occasion to take away three cell phones from our kids over the past six months. They can purchase them without our permission, but we can still take them away if we feel they are not being used apprpriately. In fact, a helpful social worker ( whose opinion was widely respected by a couple of my teens) even told them that. I was able to quote him recently when we had to confiscate a cell phone. Good to know my rights, sometimes the teens think they have all of them. But that's for another post.

love hurts

2011-08-07T08:58:00.001-07:00

Love hurts. One of the struggles with openness (and yes there are lots) is when the other party doesn't follow through with visits, letter writing or whatever they have committed to. People from the past sometimes have openness with our kids; that includes birth family members, foster parents or even professionals that want to stay connected. I'd have to be honest and say that it is a real challenge to manage it in a way that is of most benefit to the child. Some birth family, foster parents or others make commitments they don't follow through with, and others want to be in our lives in ways that are detrimental to our family formation. It's a complicated maze to navigate and there is very little support for the adopting family in doing it.
The other day one of my kids sat by the front door waiting and watching for a birth relative to arrive for an hour and a half...and then we got a call that it wasn't happening.
His sadness was palpable. I had a feeling in advance that the plans would fall through; but I couldn't really say that. There is a fine line I try not to cross.
My kids have had people let them down so much in the past; generally starting with birth parents and other relatives in their early lives (or else why would the have ended up in the foster care system).
Don't get me wrong, I don't let this happen too often, but I can't be the one to always say no to a visit, or a person from the past trying to do something that seems really positive for our child. We have to do our part to supporting any healthy relationships that help our kids not to lose people. But as I say, there is a fine line between what is of benefit and what is not. And truthfully we rank foster parents lower on the scale than birth connections; the foster parents are usually part of a string of caregivers; they are not genetically connected and although are part of the child's history it's not the same as being the family they came from, may share biological traits with etc. They are part of the child's past, but can be handled differently than birth family (in my opinion anyway).
So what to do when the other party doesn't follow through? (I'll save the meddling ones for another day).
I let the child know that although we've tried, the other person isn't responding - for example with letters to them that are not responded to, phone calls that are not returned. Things like this have happened for our kids before; an uncle who promises a trip somewhere, an aunt who stops sending gifts, a no-show for a visit, or an invitation to an important event in the child's life that is valued, and not responded to. It's hard to be the adoptive parent when your child is seeking someone else in the audience, but even harder to watch the child's pain when they don't turn up. But in the end they usually get it; we are the reliable ones, we are the ones that are still here, will always be here. That's why we got the job. Passed the test. Became adoptive parents. Because we aren't the no shows.
Do I have to grit my teeth sometimes and not say what I am really thinking about these people? You betcha. Not that I don't say some things to let the child know it isn't their fault the birth relative has dropped the ball. I point out that the history for this person is this kind of thing, and that next time we'll plan the get together in ways where we have more control. Where we can quickly move to Plan B if things don't work out. (Which is what we did in effect the last time this happened).
And there can of course be very positive things about relationships with birth family. But that too, is for another post.

A. K. Phone home

2011-08-05T14:26:00.000-07:00

Call home. A.K. Not E.T. Just my Adult Kids. I have eight adult kids aged 19 through 31. Some of them call regularly, some are my Facebook friends, some visit regularly.
Two of them currently don't have a phone or computer of any kind; this makes it hard. One of them lives locally so I actually bump into him at the store every week or two. He also has a girlfriend who I am Facebook friends with, and I can message her when I want to get hold of him. The other adult without a phone lives a bit further away, but I went and knocked on his door the other day. He wasn't home, but then I heard from one of the other adult kids that he had seen him and talked to him. So I know he's alive and well. And sometimes that's all I need to know. When you are raising your kids you wonder what it will be like when they are adults; how you'll stay connected and be in each other's lives. The fact is that all families, whether created by adoption or not, grow up. And how the family will look when they are all grown up is another story. We herd them along through whatever phases we get to parent them for, and all of a sudden they are adults. It of course is not just an adoption issue; all kids grow up! I think as an adoptive parent I am always looking at whether kids are more or less connected to us because of being adopted. My conclusion is that of course there are many reasons why families drift apart, or stick together. Adoption might be one part of that, but it is often a small one. And I meet what I might think of as "normal" families with adult kids who they have limited contact with, even people I bump into who say things like "I haven't seen my son for three years", or "my daughter hasn't spoken to me for six months". Relationships are relationships. They are fraught with all the things that make us human. And as our kids grow they need us differently. In our house we make jokes about our kids leaving home; when they make crazy or unrealistic demands I'll say "you can do that when you grow up and leave home"...
And, more seriously, if they are wanting a lifestyle that doesn't fit with ours, I'll point out that as soon as they can support themselves they are welcome to go.
But anyway, sometimes when I am going to sleep at night I'll think of each one of my kids (and their partners, and kids if they have any), and just hold an image of them in my head, and hold them in my heart for a few seconds or minutes (it depends...). It makes me feel a connection, and even if they aren't calling home, I am holding them close.
I can't change what they want, need, or are willing or able to participate in as a member of our family, but I will always think of them. And if I can just hear they're OK, that's good enough for me.

Out of Many, One Family

2011-08-04T23:57:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading "Out of Many, One Family". Its written by Bart and Claudia Fletcher about their adoption of 12 children in 12 years. It's worth reading if you are an adoptive parent, or thinking of becoming one. They do a clear chronology of the timelines of the kids joining their family, and some information about the kids and their needs both prior to joining the family and afterwards.
Most adoptive parents will be able to relate to something about their story; whether it's their description of processes and waiting times, the matching of children to them, or the accurate and/or inaccurate information they received regarding their children prior to placement.
I could relate to many things in the book. Their journey will be recognized by some families I know; they didn't set out to adopt a particular number of children, but somehow ended up with 12.
They start the book childless, cleaning their home and awaiting a visit from a social worker to begin the adoption process. Midway through they describe watching (while sitting beside a social worker at their home), one of their kids chasing another with a kitchen knife in hand, and realizing it didn't cause the panic it would have several years (and kids) before.
And, as their experience progresses, they are the ones taking the lead in adoption: both their own, and in helping others find matches. (They live in the U.S. where the system is quite different in some regards).
It is now in my adoption library so it's available to borrow. Send me an email if you want to borrow it.

read all about it

2011-08-03T08:34:00.000-07:00

On our holiday we ended up for a couple of days at a resort where the company was mixed - in a socio-economic sense. There were people there camping in tents, people renting cabins and in rooms at the lodge, and there were people on boats. The boat people included those on multi-million dollar yachts. Yachts with more square footage than our house, certainly more bathrooms, and some of which had their own crew to take the owner and their family and guests where they wanted to go. It was interesting to think about the affluence so abundantly displayed, and so foreign to those of us who have the Freedom 85 retirement plan. (That's the age we probably be when our mortgage will be paid off).
Not to complain; it's all relative, I know that. Compared to most of the world, I am among the wealthy.
Anyway, this fella from one of the yachts worth a small town came over to talk to me. His kids had been playing with ours on the dock (I've noticed most young kids don't discriminate over whether their friends come from a house or boat that is worth more or less than theirs), and he noticed that some of our kids looked different from his. He wanted to know about them, and where they came from. I did a fairly generic description of both international adoption, and of the foster care system and the kids who wait to be adopted. In these kinds of circumstances I try to keep my own kids situations out of the conversation. What struck me was his response. He said that he had read about things like foster care in the newspaper. It was simply out of his range of knowledge or understanding that people would have significant enough problems to have their children end up in foster care. Everyone he knew had graduated from university, were professionals, and he and his family simply didn't mix with those kinds of people, in fact had never had reason to come across them.
After a while his eyes started to glaze over, and I think he had heard enough. Did my conversation have any impact on him? Probably not much. But now at least he knows that it isn't just a story in the newspaper.

such a holiday

2011-08-02T23:51:00.000-07:00

Being away from home takes lots of organization, and for us it was no exception. Our teens are at the stage where they don't really enjoy the same kind of holiday that we do, but they are not able to be left at home alone. One of them commented before we left "we could just have a little party while you are gone". "No" I said. "Well", she said, "we could have it outside". "No", I said. And I realized that we were not ready to leave the house in the care of some teenagers, no matter how responsible some of them appear to be, most of the time. So we had some of our teens registered for leadership programs at camps, and some of our teens at home with part time jobs and other things to do. And we had two of our adult kids taking turns living at our house, minding the teens and the dogs, and picking up from camps and doing laundry etc.
Not everything went according to plan. One of the teens was asked not to return to one of the leadership programs after just a few days. Not much short of a "miracle" (the camp staff's words) would make them willing to take this particular teen back in a leadership position. Another teen lasted about a week longer. So much for my careful planning and organization. For one of the teens, we were able to find some other options fairly quickly, for the other, not so much.
My adult kids who were minding the shop managed well. They were smart enough to realize that there was no point in phoning us and telling us about problems we didn't really have to deal with, and in fact couldn't help with from a distance away. And, knowing my penchant for worry, it was good they didn't. Bad enough that one of the teens called me from camp to tell me he had been sent home. (The adult kids had not wanted me to know and had made arrangements for him to be brought home, and a couple of options for things for him to do, hoping I wouldn't find out until after we got back).
But we came home to a house still standing, (in fact, it was tidy and there was a vase of flowers on my dresser). And in addition to the camp expulsions there were a couple of other minor misdemeanors to tell us about, but nothing significant.
Usually we go away for a couple of days, and there are interesting things (generally not positive) that happen while we are gone....so this was a good homecoming.
And next year, we'd like to do it all again.

I'm Back

2011-08-01T23:35:00.000-07:00

I've returned from almost a month away from this blog, indeed a month mostly away from my daily slog. I apologize for not making my last post before I left give the message that I would be away as a few people have sent me puzzled emails.
I took a month of leave from work and for most of that time was away from home. It took about a week to stop worrying about all the things I had, or hadn't done before I left, and then I mostly relaxed (with occasional bouts of mindless worry), until a few days before coming home when I once again began to dwell on all I had to do when I got back.
So here I am. Back in the saddle again.
For most of the month we were on the water; in the sun, in the rain, and most often just in the clouds. It wasn't the sunny July we were hoping for but oh well. More on all that later. For now, I am slip, sliding back into routine.

the graduates (of 2011)

2011-06-30T22:44:00.001-07:00

Been a busy couple of days. One of our daughter's prom was last night and her graduation ceremony today. The prom was great. The way our school does it, the parents get to attend. We get to eat dinner with the graduates and their dates, and we get to stay for the first dance with them. While we ate dinner, there was a DVD presentation of the grads; photos of them as babies and children along with their grad photos.
Our daughter was delivered safely home at midnight by her date. Some of the prom attendees were heading out to the "Party bus" to continue their night but not our daughter, thankfully.
This morning was the graduation ceremony. It possessed all the elements of a good one; speeches that were not too long, happy graduates, and at the end the tossing of the caps into the air.
The speeches were all good too; the class valedictorians (there were two of them) was the best - funny and personal; and finished with a rap song one of them had written. All the speeches, including that of the MLA who spoke extremely well, had a common theme. And that was that people need to care about one another. That mutual support was part of the make up of a good society and these graduates are heading out into it as adults and need to take that on. One of the analogies used was about cyclists. Two cyclists are riding; one is struggling, and grimacing, the other smiling and enjoying the ride. What do we think about them? (I assumed this was going to be some kind of cup half empty analogy - but no). The point was, that we don't know what that person who is struggling along is experiencing. Is there a patch of serious wind there? Is he/she experiencing some kind of physical pain? Is there a problem with the bicycle? We can't see what is causing the struggle; we can just see the outward appearance. The point was for us to remember that when we are looking at others navigating the world. We can't see what things are like for them inwardly; just the outward manifestations.
I left the graduation ceremony feeling once again, just a little more optimistic about the world. A new batch of young people are about to take it on. And that's the way it should be.

attachment and adoption

2011-06-28T23:56:00.000-07:00

Checking back over my recent posts I decided that I just sounded like a drivelling idiot for some of them. So it's time for some intelligent information. This article (below) was taken from the AFA BC website on "Attachment and Adoption". Any time you want to read more on a variety of adoption topics, the AFA site is a great place to go.

Attachment is a subject that all adoptive parents must acquaint themselves with. Having difficulty with attaching to a parent is not just a problem for children who have lived in an orphanage, or suffered abuse and neglect. Any child that has suffered an interuption in caregiver, or poor caregiving, even for a short period, may have attachment issues. Many experts argue that if a pregnant woman is suffering from abuse or depression during her depression that her baby will also be harmed in-utero and may be born with attachment challenges.

Children who were adopted usually join their families a little later than biological children, some a matter of hours or days after their birth; others, several months or years later. Some of our children have lived in orphanages or in multiple foster homes and others may have experienced extreme stress in-utero. All these beginnings are compelling reasons for adoptive parents to understand the importance of attachment, be able to recognize when their child seems to have problems attaching, and to know what to do about it.

Of course, attachment is not just an issue for adoptive parents: experts like Dr. Gordon Neufeld passionately argue that all parents, no matter how they formed their family or whatever age their children are, must pay great attention to developing and maintaining their attachment relationship with their child. He insists that unless they do so their children will replace any parental attachment void with peer attachments, which are not what growing children or teens need.

It isn't always the child that has the difficulty in attaching, sometimes it's the parent. Attachment is a two-way street. Fortunately, attachment is not static. Consistent, reliable, and loving care can bring great improvements.

Possible signs of attachment issues

Reluctance to make eye-contact or to accept touch
Little affection for parents
Demanding or clingy behaviour
Stealing and lying
Low impulse control
Hoarding or gorging on food
Affection toward strangers
Superficially charming actions
Destructiveness to self or others
Inability to link cause with effect
Attempts to control situations by manipulation or aggression

from Parenting the Hurt Child by Gregory C. Keck and Regina M. Kupecky:

Each time a parent or caregiver and child go through the arousal-relaxation cycle (when a child gets upset, is comforted, and relaxes again), their trust in each other grows stronger, their mutual sense of security is enhanced, and their attachment to each other is strengthened. With each journey through the cycle, the relationship has an opportunity to strengthen.

Attachment is a close emotional bond resulting from the process of mutual interaction between a child and a significant person in a child’s life.
It can also be seen as an affectionate bond developed between two or more people over a period of time. Attachments do not occur instantly at birth or upon first meeting.

The capacity to form attachments is important to development in all areas of life: emotional, social, physical and cognitive.

family vs failure

2011-06-25T23:39:00.000-07:00

Posted with permission of Brenda McCreight - a link to her blog is posted on my blog list.
The family versus failure model…
Posted by Brenda McCreightJune 1, 2011
I’ve realized that my thinking on adoption and the realities of raising children with neurodevelopmental challenges has gone through quite a transition. When I first started growing my family through adoption my unwavering belief was that we were creating a life long family with and for our child. Well, I don’t believe that anymore.
It isn’t that I have lost faith in adoption – I haven’t. I still fervently believe that children are meant to be raised in the context of a family and that all children deserve that opportunity. What I don’t believe anymore is that it’s family versus failure.
I think that for some children and some families – the happy ever after ending just isn’t going to happen. There are many reasons including a bad match ie either brain chemistry or lifestyle conflicts or pheromones or something that just isn’t workable; lack of specialized parenting knowledge in the area of neurodevelopmental challenges; lack of specialized support; too many neurodevelopmental issues to overcome in time to create a connection before the child becomes independent; lack of …….whatever. There are a million reasons why, despite the best of intentions on everybody’s part, the adoption doesn’t end up with the adoptee achieving or maintaining an emotional connection with the family.
Is that a failure? I don’t think so. I believe that when we adopt a child or youth from the foster care system – we have to understand that we are offering parental commitment, we are offering safety, we are offering stability, we are offering opportunities for education as well as sports and fun activities, and we are offering love. I believe we have to offer those without any expectation that they can be accepted by the child or youth.
If the child reaches independence and says “good bye” – well, there is the knowledge that all that could be given was given. And the knowledge that whatever later happens in that person’s life – at least during their growing years with us they were not harmed and they had the best we could offer at the time.
I believe, too, that pre-adoption education programs should start including the opportunity model in their trainings. Currently, most programs present adoption as the family versus failure model and that sets everyone up for heart ache if it doesn’t quite end up as they had hoped. Clearly we all hope for a loving and connected family – but the family versus failure model leaves those parents who don’t get that ending feeling as if they wasted or sacrificed their lives for nothing. I think it’s time that the *good enough* principle was applied to adoptive families – that is – keeping them safe while they grow up and giving them commitment and opportunities is good enough.

teachers are counting the days...

2011-06-22T18:27:00.000-07:00

It's the most wonderful time of the year. If you are a teacher anyway. But the other morning as I watched my intermediate school kids at their end of the year performance I did feel a bit weepy. It's another of those transition times.... end of the year, saying good byes, trying to find lost school library books, watching the kids get increasingly excited as the school year comes to an end, the school day structure diminishes and the field trips seem almost daily. At 7:45 that morning my son informed me that he needed pajamas for the performance that day. This resulted in a scrabbling through his clean laundry basket where the only matching pair looked like they fit him best last year (which they did). He seemed happy enough and performed well. Even better, while I watched as a handful of children were removed from the gymnasium, or needed to be spoken to by their teachers for goofing off, none of them were mine. It appears my life is on the upswing. I did not have to furtively remove my disruptive child nor did someone do it for me. Wow. It's been a while since that has happened. Yippee. Being that it has happened to me many a time I know what it looks like; watching nervously as my child displays increasingly ADHD behaviours; sometimes the rolling on the floor, the poking the person in front of them repeatedly, the whispering loudly and continuously, the having to leave to go to the "bathroom" three times, the unraveling of a thread on a shirt until there is a pile of it to play with. None of that was happening with my kids. This time. So I relaxed and enjoyed the show. My kids were playing the saxophone and the trumpet with the grade six band; and the youngest just sang and danced with the other grade fours and fives. It was entertaining and I was glad to be there; all the kids looked for me and gave me the mother wave.
Today they had a field trip to the pool. That followed a field trip two days ago to the beach. I forgot meds for my son with ADHD who REALLY needs them this morning. I had to come home and get them; I didn't think he, (or anyone else) would have a good day. It was noticeable in the car on the way - when he had interrupted me trying to say the same sentence eight times I realized I had missed something.
Apart from the year end excitement, it's the time of year when I start to wonder (worry?) about who their teachers will be next year. On occasion I have put in requests; but usually I leave it up to the school. One of my desires is that my kids who are in the same grade do not have the same teacher/be in the same class (In elementary school I mean). We have had four sets of kids in the same grade at the same time; (we have two 27 year olds, two 20 year olds, two 18 year olds and two 12 year olds). We've always been places where they could be separated into different classes and this seems to have worked well. So although I let the school know that this is what we'd prefer, we also let them know we trust they'll do their best to find the right combinations of kids for each class. So, we'll see what they come up with. After all, my kids are the most important kids in the world.
And, from the happy news department, my son won third prize in an art contest and got to go to the School Board office to receive a cheque and a certificate. The funny part is that he almost failed art for not completing all his assignments but he remedied that at the last minute. He does love to draw; it's always been something he's enjoyed and taken pride in so it was great that he received recognition. Now if he just passed his math and science exams....

In Case of a Zombie Invasion...

2011-06-20T12:54:00.000-07:00

I really don't know much about Zombies. I mean, I know they are involved in several recent movies, but I had no idea there was so much to learn. On the way back from a longish car ride the other day one of my teens caught me up to speed. He is a good talker to begin with, and clearly Zombies are one of the things he is passionate about. I now know a lot about what to do if there is a Zombie invasion (according to my son, fairly imminent).
First, we live in a good location, in the country, as apparently Zombies like to go where there are lots of people. They won't come here until they run out of people in the city. Second, we should avoid the mall and Costco - lots of people go there, hence the Zombies will also want to be there. Now, I already try to avoid the mall but Costco is a place I go regularly so that could be a problem for me. He did say that he and his friend have a plan to protect the good people who have to frequent Costco. They will take over a part of the store, up high on those shelves that seem to reach for the ceiling. They will tempt the Zombies, and they will kill them so that others can shop. Since my son likes metalwork, he is dreaming up ways to create vehicles that will be completely Zombie-proof. He says there are places on-line where you can buy kits to help you in the case of an invasion, but he thinks we could find all that we need right here, locally. If we can't find it, he will make it for us.
Next I learned that Zombies do not like water, so our boat could be a good location (until we run out of food). If you do see a Zombie, apparently your goal should be to hit it in the head with a blunt object. Good to know.
After listening to the Zombie talk for over an hour and a half, I really felt I had a good grasp. I have a lot more information to share, but unlike me the other day, you aren't trapped in a car listening. You can just leave this post and go back to whatever you were doing before this.
But in case you need to learn more, I know someone you can talk to.

Miracle Beach sunshine

2011-06-18T23:05:00.000-07:00

Thanks to everyone who came out to the adoption pot luck picnic at Miracle Beach today. In spite of the potentially bad weather, nine families braved it and gathered for some food and fun. It never did rain on us and indeed, the weather improved as the day progressed ending with sunshine. The stragglers left after about four hours of playing soccer, tossing baseballs, beachcombing, facepainting, eating, talking, and for some, even swimming.
The group included some serial adopters, and some new to the adventure. Some people knew each other beforehand, others knew no-one. But by the end of the day, everyone had connected to at least one family or individual they hadn't met before.
And a few dads will be sleeping well tonight - they played soccer for hours....trying to keep up with the multiple little boys who had boundless energy.
Sleep well.

Oy vey

2011-06-14T22:45:00.001-07:00

When we were in Toronto as usual we enjoyed very much the multi-ethnic nature of the city. Toronto has neighbourhoods with names like "Koreatown", "Little Portugual", "Little Italy", and of course there is a Chinatown. And these are just a few. The people who live there of course know that the Roncesvalles neighbourhood is home to many in the Polish community including residences as well as businesses. It''s a city with over 100 ethnic groups and where close to 50% of the population is a member of a visible minority group.
All of these and more are some of the reasons we love Toronto so much.
We ate at an Ethiopian restaraunt, we ate Thai food and for a Sunday brunch went to the "Free Times Cafe." We had gone there to eat last year, and enjoyed it so much thought we'd go back. This is an amazing place to go for a Sunday brunch. Not only do they have an amazing all you can eat brunch of Jewish, Canadian and Middle Eastern food, they have entertainment. That Sunday it was a singer/actress accompanied by a pianist and of course lots of support from the audience. Of course my two entertaining young sons were drawn up to the front to help her sing a song. She assumed they were twins (although they look nothing alike) but in any case they had fun. The older of my two boys was initially uncomfortable with the thought of going up up to the front; the younger was just itching to perform. It was hilarious.
She also proceeded to teach us how to say "Oy", then when you are more excited, "Oy vey", and "Oy Gevalt" for when you are most enthused. She said that all of us non-Jewish people were welcome to use these as expressions of excitement, shock, amazement whenever we want. If you try them out, you'll find they are actually quite satisfying to say. So next time you drop something in the kitchen you can say "Oy". When your child says they got an "A" in math you can say "Oy vey" and when you're son says he is getting married you can say "Oy gevalt". There you go. A new expression for every occasion.

Miracle Beach Pot Luck next Saturday...

2011-06-13T22:26:00.000-07:00

This is just one more reminder... if you haven't marked your calendars, there is an adoptive families gathering next Saturday, June 18th at Miracle Beach (near Campbell River). We'll meet at the picnic shelter at 12:00 (or thereabouts). Bring some food to share and chairs to sit on (although there are picnic tables under the shelter). I'll provide the paper plates and utensils.
If the weather is nice bring along your beach wear and sunscreen. And, BC has now decided to make parking free in provincial parks so that's once less thing to have to remember. Hope to see lots of you there.

Field of Dreams

2011-06-12T14:32:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we went to a Blue Jays game. For under $100 (I think it was actually about $75 altogether) all six of us got to watch a professional sport. (Not like trying to pay for professional hockey tickets!) It was great. The Jays lost miserably, but we all enjoyed it. Unlike watching small children play baseball which can be painful (and we've had many years of both watching and coaching young kids recreational ball teams), professional baseball is a graceful game to watch. It's such a very different game to watch than hockey; my heart wasn't pounding the way it has been lately watching the Canucks. It was quite relaxing. We ate overpriced popcorn, and cheered for the Jays even though the score got progressively worse. We stayed until the end, hoping the raindrops would prompt the closing of the roof but it didn't quite make it. Then the kids got to run the bases - where the teams had just finished playing. On certain days, all the kids under 14 get to run the bases after the game. We lined up with a horde of other parents and grandparents to watch them go whipping around. My son-in-law really wanted to run too but he was too old. He loves the Jays, and was thrilled to have an excuse to be on the field, and get to look into the dugout, and at the bullpen up close. It was pretty cool.
So our trip is almost over, and I think the kids have had a good time. We asked them at lunch today what was their favourite part. For one it was the Blue Jays game, for another it was the Behemoth at Canada's Wonderland. For the youngest it was everything we did (he couldn't choose), and for me it was simply feeling my grandbaby move in my daughters' ever expanding belly.
My daughter marvels at my energy level. She wonders how (and maybe why?) someone my age is still trucking around with a passel of school age kids when I should perhaps be planning my retirement....and maybe slowing down.
Well, I believe to a large extent it keeps me young. I know people my age who are retired or about to; with good pensions and plans for all kinds of fun, adult things to do for the next years. And the flip side is that I also know a lot of adoptive parents who are in their forties and fifties who have or are planning to adopt young children including (if possible) babies and toddlers. No slowdown is in sight for me, or for them. So I'll have quite a few more of these kid oriented activities and holidays over the next decade. And when I'm done with amusement parks for these ones it will be time to take the grandchildren. The fun will just never end.
p.s. In one of the photos the kids are looking into the Jay's dugout (full of sunflower shells and empty cups).

can you hear me?

2011-06-11T20:44:00.000-07:00

Although I am still in Toronto, my mind is already thinking about my return home and the coming weeks of work for myself, and the final weeks of school for my kids. A couple of my high school kids at home have exams coming up, and I hope they have been preparing. One of them is 17, and lately I've been reminding him that it is ultimately his responsibility to prepare for his exams and do his very best to be successful. There is only so much reminding a parent can do. (Or maybe that should read "nagging" as opposed to reminding). The Captain, (who has been minding the ship at home) I am sure has not done the level of nagging about school work that I would have.
One of the other things I am having a problem with (when I think about my high school kids) is the use of cell phones and iPods etc in school. This is not an entirely new problem. Way back over 10 years ago when one of my older sons was in high school it started with him wearing his headphones and a Walkman to school. His French teacher, at parent-teacher interview time pointed out that he might learn more French if he was actually listening to her instead of his Walkman. Of course I addressed this with my son, but I also suggested she tell him to take it off in class. This same issue is arising with two of my teen aged sons. They practically sleep with headphones on. I've tried the route of telling them they can't take them to school, but it is just too easy for them to slip them in a backpack. And once again a teacher reported that perhaps my son would know what to do in class if his hearing wasn't obstructed by headphones and music. Cell phones are another problem altogether; my two older high school daughters have them and use them constantly. I can't imagine what it's like to try to teach a class competing with all these things.
The Toronto School Board recently decided that students could use cell phones in classrooms and hallways at school "provided it does not distract from student learning and school activities", and in the end, teachers are supposed to have the final say. However, I say, good luck to the teachers. Who wants to argue with a teen who says things like "I learn better with music in my ears". "I have to take calls in class, my mother might be calling" "I'm using my iPhone to do research" And best of all, "I have to answer this text, it's my girlfriend and she's really mad at me".
It's a strange new world. Being as old as I am means I remember schools being a far different place than they are now. For goodness sake, girls wore blue gym rompers for P.E. classes. You had to ask permission to go to the bathroom, and use of a phone took place in the school office overheard by the school secretary. There were no portable musical devices, although I had my transistor radio which would be heard by the whole class if it was loud enough for me to hear.
There is of course a natural consequence for kids who don't learn, in high school they may actually fail their exams or their courses if their technology gets in the way too much. Some of them will of course pass anyway. And maybe I am just a dinosaur; maybe they will glibly slide from high school to university or a job and be able to maintain this level of connection to some other source. I'll be watching to see.

life will change

2011-06-10T06:53:00.000-07:00

Watching my daughter who is now in her third trimester of her pregnancy is an emotional experience. It's my first daughter to have a baby and that makes it slightly different than watching my daughter-in-laws with their pregnancies. I've had a chance to talk to her this week more deeply than usual - when she visits us at home there are usually about 10 others competing for the conversation!
One thing we talked about is my mum, her grandmother to whom she was very close. My mum died when I was 30, the same age that my daughter is about to turn. She can't imagine losing me, and I can't imagine having to leave her at what I think of as such a young age. Fortunately I appear to be in good health and hope to be around a good many more years. We are however, happy to have one another and be close as mother and daughter.
I have also had the good fortune this week to feel the baby kicking around inside her. It's quite a powerful little person, I can't wait to see who he or she is going to be. My daughter and son-in-law are reminded more each day about the fact that indeed this baby will be who they will be. That he or she already has a personality, a way of presenting him/herself to the world. My daughter already has trouble sleeping due to the changing shape of her body. I remind her that this is just the beginning of this baby taking over their lives. (And maybe I did say "ha ha"). I get frequent opportunities to chuckle listening to my two sons talk about their kids; one was asking after the birth of the second son "when does sibling rivalry end?" The answer to that is pretty much, never. And the other recently asked on Facebook how to stop his three year old son from arguing with him. Again, opportunities for me to think "oh, yeah, it's payback time".
The truth is, babies and children of course change us forever. Over the course of my working with parents (both adoptive and not) for over 30 years I've heard some amazing questions/complaints. Everything from a parent who honestly did not think they would have to be woken up at night, to parents who have quite unrealistic expectations of how their child would behave, or how their life would change. So I'll watch as my daughter adapts to the new life ahead of her. One rich with joy, and sleepless nights. And I will be at the end of the phone whenever she needs to tell me the good and the bad.

Royal Ontario Museum

2011-06-09T06:18:00.000-07:00

Went to the Royal Ontario Museum to learn something new. And indeed we did. We went to the ROM last year when we were in Toronto for my daughters wedding. However, then we were traveling in a pack - a large pack of about 15 of us. Not only is a large group somewhat unwieldy, but not everyone in the group wanted to do everything but had to because we had to stay together. We discovered then that our teens had little interest in places like museums. (And not to say that all teens are like that). Maybe we just did too many of them, or maybe it was partly related to their particular learning styles, who knows. In any case, this year's trip to the ROM was quite different. For one thing, once again, the place was not busy so we were easily able to navigate around (the difference between traveling in June and July). The lack of crowds meant that we could take our time, and I could stop at an exhibit and read the accompanying information to my kids who don't read quite so well. My youngest son is an auditory learner. If you spend time with him you might not think so - he usually looks as though he's not listening, or that he's (literally) about to bounce around the corner like Tigger in Winnie the Pooh. But a great example of his capacity to listen happened at the ROM. He heard an announcement that there was going to be a tour of the Gallery of Gems and Gold. He asked if we could go. When we got to the meeting place for the tour there were a dozen or so middle aged women, and the tour guide, also an older woman. I asked her if the tour was appropriate for kids and she said she had seen people literally fall asleep standing while she talked but that we were welcome to join. So off we went. We learned about Canadian mining, about gems and jewels, the many different kinds of mines in the world, how much gold is sometimes in a whole ton of rock etc. As the tour progressed my other two kids left it (due to boredom) along with my older daughter. My youngest son stayed, listening to every word, quietly and patiently not moving or disturbing anyone. I myself found it a bit boring - but then again, it's not a particular interest of mine. But we did learn a lot.
In other parts of the museum we got to try on chain mail, (I'm glad I wasn't Joan of Arc for more than one reason), learned about a place in Ghana that makes custom coffins (see the fish one in the photo above) - my (oldest) daughter wants a unicorn coffin. We saw an amazing but frightening - (some photos looking positively apocalyptic) photo exhibition by Edward Burtynsky on the topic of "Oil", which accompanied by the Water exhibit made me think a lot about what we are doing to our earth. For example, every time you buy a bottle of water to drink you should think of it as 3/4 water and 1/4 oil - because that's about the amount needed to produce it, transport it etc. Not a good thought. If we priced those water bottles to really reflect that maybe we wouldn't be purchasing so many.
Enough doom and gloom. Another day in the big city awaits us.

the Behemoth vs the Merry go Round

2011-06-08T05:20:00.001-07:00

So I didn't blog yesterday because I was pretty tired. We took the kids to Canada's Wonderland. Now our family is not Wonderland kind of people but I am guessing there are few kids who don't dream of places like this. (I guess it's a mini-version Disneyland but I haven't been there for over 35 years so I don't really remember).
In any case we picked the right time of year to go. The place was quiet. The kids could go on ride after ride with virtually no line ups. As I saw signs that told us that there would be a "60 minute wait from this point" on I was glad that the kids could just breeze onwards. They would run off a ride and right onto the next one; sometimes repeating a ride they liked a lot. What was really hilarious was the varied fear factor amongst the three kids. (Varied meaning one with none and one with lots). The youngest went right for the most exciting rides, the oldest took his sweet time; being afraid of anything that might hurl him upside down or go too quickly. (He actually managed to go on some of the rides intended for younger kids because he accompanied someone younger). However, by the end of the day, all three of them were ready for the "Behemoth" the longest, highest roller coaster they had there.
It was really a great day; watching the kids have so much fun made it worth the heat (30 degrees or something). However, I was glad to put my feet up when we got home. A full day on the pavement following children eagerly running from one place to another was marathon like for me. (OK, I really am getting old). But it was a place to go back to - they are already planning themselves a trip next year to catch the rides they missed.

what's with them?

2011-06-06T08:10:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we went to a beach and then journeyed home by public transit - street car and bus and of course partially by our own two feet, all of these methods enjoyed by the kids. We just don't take transit where we come from. Public transit (buses in our case) is infrequent and the actual bus stop is quite far from our home. It's one of the reasons we keep contemplating a move into "town" but that's another story.
We sometimes forget how different our family looks to those looking in. At the barbershop the other day one of the barbers eventually asked about our family make up - he was obviously trying to figure out who was who. I look a bit on the old side to be birth parent to my younger kids; but my daughter and her husband look a bit on the too young side as well as them both being white.

At the beach yesterday a young couple were clearly interested in our family. They engaged in conversation with us briefly at the beach, but then on the ferry on the way back from the Island found us and got up the courage to ask about our family dynamic in a round about kind of way. My daughter was able to explain that she is the oldest, and these three the youngest of my sixteen kids. She didn't have to give detail, that was enough to curb their curiosity. And it wasn't invasive or too personal. And the fact is, it was just one of those times when I am reminded that we look different. In our home community most people know us. We go to the grocery store, the credit union, the dentist etc and we are just the Gilberts. We are just that (weird?) family. Any curiousity about us is probably solved by people who've known us for a decade or more answering questions of those who don't know. My home grocery store is small enough that several of the staff know all my kids by name, and feel free to nag at them if they heard about them misbehaving.
But here we are in a huge city where we are not known, and even in this multi-cultural community we are visibly different because of our family make up. Some people, like the young couple yesterday just clearly want to know something about us. Maybe they were interested because they are thinking of adopting some day. Maybe they just wanted to know.
But is was again a reminder that we are different. For all the anonymity of a big city, It's good to know you can also be quietly accepted at home.

the barber shop

2011-06-05T19:12:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my son-in-law had a brilliant idea. He suggested we take my two sons to a barber for a hair cut. They have never been to a barber in the time they've lived with us (coming up for five years for one and two years for the other) although they have seen a couple of hairdressers. In the community where we live there are few hairdressers or barbers who have experience cutting black/African-Canadian hair. We've learned a few techniques ourselves; one of my older daughters has taken in upon herself to learn to cut their hair and also to do a basic hair twist which both boys had for a while.
So the idea of taking them somewhere with experience cutting hair like theirs sounded great. We went to a barbershop where all the barbers were black. They asked what kind of cut was wanted; luckily my son-in-law had asked some of his students (he's a teacher in a school with a very mixed race population) what we should be asking for. It turns out what we wanted was called a shadow fade. What was also important was the "line-up". This is the way in which the hair was trimmed neatly around the face to make quite a defined line. The two boys sat down in the chairs and it was amazing watching the expertise cutting their hair. The barbers were quiet at first, and then began speaking to one another. There were five barbers in total, and they spoke to each other in Jamaican patois. There were familiar words mixed in with words that sounded like French, and words that sounded like nothing I've ever heard before. My son-in-law is familiar with it; it's English/Creole with West African influences. During the time we waited for the haircuts to be done we watched a steady stream of men and boys, all black, come in for haircuts.
Experiences like this remind me why some families move either before or after adopting a child of another culture/ethnicity/race. There are some places (including where we live) where it is simply really hard to give our black kids opportunities to be around others who look like them; harder to find things like barbers who have cut hair like theirs more than a few times. But this simple experience reminded me I have to work more diligently to find those resources, even if it means more travel, and some inconvenience.

a few upcoming adoption events...

2011-06-04T21:18:00.001-07:00

It's almost the end of the school year, and also a time when many people are organizing their summer vacations. The adoption groups which meet for the year will have their last sessions in June and start again in September.
The Parents of Teens group which meets in Nanaimo will meet on Tuesday, June 14th at 9:30. It will possibly be meeting at a new location so contact me if you want to find out more about this group or our meeting place.
On Saturday, June 18th, there will be a pot luck picnic at Miracle Beach near Campbell River at 12:00. Bring some food to share and come and connect with other adoptive families. (Weather permitting).
The week-end of August 26th to 28th there will be a camping trip at Kissinger Lake (near Lake Cowichan). This is the third annual adoptive families camping trip to take place there. We arrive Friday night and have a pot luck together on Saturday night returning home on Sunday. You need not have sophisticated camping equipment to have fun. (Our family just has a couple of old tents). For more information and to register for this week-end contact Shawn or Debbie Carlow at cottonwoodcreek@shaw.ca or at 250-745-8175.
That's all in the works for now.

Day 2 in the city

2011-06-03T16:41:00.000-07:00

Day 2 of my sojourn in T.O. Sun shining, birds chirping. Went to High Park which is a 400 acre park right across the road from my daughter's house. Hard to believe, a park of this size and complexity in the city. (OK, fine, there is Stanley Park in Vancouver at 1000 acres). It has a zoo, a pool, gardens, an amazing playground and many acres of forest and trails along with ponds and other amenities. We spent half a day there.
My daughter lives in a four story semi-detached house in Toronto. If I look out the window on the third floor I can see at least parts of the tiny back yards/patios of a minimum of 10 other homes gardens which extend behind or beside her house. It's a patchwork of fascinating homes and yards - all different sizes and shapes.
It's not like back in Kansas, or I should say, the tiny community south of Nanaimo where I live. There are no places in the community where I live where anyone could see that many yards by looking out their back window. Almost all the properties where I live are close to a half acre, and many people live on serious acreages ranging from a couple acres to those with upwards of 20 acres.
People live in many different ways, not just around the world but right here at home in our own country.
And of course the same goes for adoptive families. I've met families living in what my kids would describe as "mansions", and I've met those living in mobile homes, and those who share homes with extended family. I've visited with those who live in tight spaces, and those with room to spare (literally). Families with one bathroom for a large number of kids, and those with a bathroom (or more) for each family member. Those on farms, and those in apartments. What I've seen is that a home can be many things. Whether cluttered or spare, tidy or clean - everyone has their own personal style and way of doing things and being in their home.
Sometimes the move to an adoptive home can mean a big change for a child who has been in foster care in terms of the actual physical space.
I have heard stories of kids who remembered all kinds of things we might consider insignificant in the process of their move. It means we need to pay attention and make sure kids can talk about what they notice. A city kid moving to our current home for example would be astonished by how quiet it is, and how dark at night with no street lights or other houses to light things up. They might be shocked at how few kids are in the neighbourhood (besides ours), and how far you have to go to get to things. They might also enjoy being able to walk to the ocean, and that they have their own trees to climb and forts to build. Within the house itself, sometimes kids have to share a room for the first time, or wait a turn for the bathroom. Or maybe they have their own room and would rather share. Then there are house noises. Our washing machine sounds like a rocket taking off when it spins; that can be anxiety producing the first time you hear it and wonder if the house is about to spin off too. It's the kind of thing that needs to be explained to new house guests.
Me, I'm adjusting to the city noises and the time change. Once I'm really used to them I'll be heading home again.

don't worry about a thing

2011-06-02T13:23:00.000-07:00

We arrived safely and are now enjoying our first day in Hogtown. (Where did it get that nickname?) The weather here (today, anyway) is warm but breezy so we are not yet experiencing that uncomfortable Toronto humid feature.
Last night I called home after I arrived and tried to micro-manage the Captain and his life with the at home teen offspring. He instructed me to stop worrying about ridiculous things like their lunches etc; that I am several thousand miles away and he can surely manage these kinds of things with a few teenagers (who surely could even do this for themselves if they had to). So this morning that is what I resolved to do. And as I had those thoughts, I noticed on my daughters fridge a saying: "Worrying is like praying for the things you don't want". She wasn't sure who said it, but it makes sense. I do it all the time; worry about stuff I can't change, or things that might happen, often rather pointlessly I might add. So I sprinkled some fairy dust around me and plan to not worry the whole rest of the time I am away. (Not really likely, but I can try!)
The kids have gone to a park by themselves; we don't have anything like that nearby at home so this was very exciting for them. Before I start worrying maybe I'll go check on them...this is the big city after all.

Your flight has been delayed .....

2011-06-01T09:23:00.000-07:00

The words every traveller loves to hear. Especially those accompanied by children. Your flight has been delayed. By two hours. Yippee. I love killing time at the airport with kids. As the customer service person (I'm not sure the title) said "hope all goes well for you". Um, yah. That would be on account of the entertainment we offered as we checked our bags. Stay tuned.

leaving on a jet plane

2011-05-31T23:44:00.000-07:00

So if you read yesterdays post you'd be pleased to note that the Captain got up this morning, handed me my coffee and said "I'm your handyman, here to fix your brain". That was a great start to the day.
I am off to Toronto for a week or so with the three youngest to visit my oldest daughter. The three kids have known for a while they are going; and that meant that the past few days their level of crazy has started to escalate. One of my older kids said I should have surprised them - just told them the morning of the trip. But I know this isn't good for kids who've had too many bad surprises; like waking up one morning and finding you are moving to a new home for example. Anyway, tomorrow we'll board the plane (with exciting stops in places like Kelowna and Edmonton on the way).
I will be checking emails etc while I'm gone so feel free to connect that way if you'd like.
Meanwhile, wish me luck tomorrow with a long day of plane rides and excitement.

say, what?

2011-05-30T10:24:00.000-07:00

I am hoping that I am not the only person in the world who does this, and that is doesn't mean that there is something truly weird going on in my head. Occasionally if I am riding in a car somewhere, particularly if it is somewhere new, I will see a road sign and just for a few seconds my brain will turn it into something completely different. Like if the sign said "Don Valley Parkway exit 2 km" I might in my head say "Dim Values Park exercise 2 km" or "Killarney Street" becomes "Killer Bee Street". As soon as it happens I recognize that it doesn't make sense but it can be amusing. (OK, some psychologist out there probably has a diagnosis of me, for me).
Anyway, I don't do it very often and, usually somewhere where the road signs are ones I'm unfamiliar with. It never happens here on the Island where I could never confuse the sign for Nanaimo for anything but Nanaimo. (I mean, what could you make out of the word Nanaimo?)
But this morning I was reminded of my syndrome by a conversation with one of my kids who frequently mixes up words, or mis-hears (if there is such a thing). A couple of my kids do this a lot; hear a snippet of something and then put their own framework on it. For one of my kids there is a slight hearing loss compounding whatever else is going on to cause this. (For a couple of my kids it's the simply(?) ADHD, FASD or Autism combo).
The humorous one this morning which shows just how far this level of confusion can go went like this. "Dalton and Chris were pretty good handymen yesterday" (me, referring to them helping disassemble a set of bunk beds). One of the younger kids "I thought they should be on the show "Canada's Worst Handymen. They kept dropping things and telling each other different ways to do it". Me: "They did a pretty good job for teen-agers". Other child: "What's a handyman?" Me: "A handyman is a person who can fix all kinds of things. People who don't have a dad like yours who is handy hire a handyman to do stuff for them." Child: "What kind of stuff?" Me: "Well, a handyman might come and hang shelves for you, repair your fence, fix your drain..." Child (highly animated: "A handyman can fix your brain?". Me, laughing. "No, a handyman cannot fix your brain. A handyman could help unplug your drain".
Now if you think that a child could make that kind of leap of faith from a simple conversation - to potentially believing that a handyman could fix your brain, then think what else they believe when they mis-hear, or simply don't listen to a whole conversation and fill in the blanks. I hear it happen quite frequently, things like me saying "go put on your pyjamas and we'll do our reading might become "get a banana before you stop breathing" No joke, I've had these kinds of directions repeated back to me. "Bring me your laundry" becomes "Sit down and watch TV" (Sorry, that's just a teen age version).
Of if they hear a bit of conversation that doesn't really involve them but pull pieces out of it and try to make sense of it. If they don't actually ask for clarification they can get mighty confused.
So it's a reminder to me that I need to make sure that what I said is not only what was heard, but what was understood. Otherwise they might just be hiring me a handyman to fix my addled brain.

finishing off the week-end

2011-05-29T22:27:00.000-07:00

Another beautiful day weather-wise at family camp. I ordered it 'specially. Yesterdays fun included face painting by Vicki, orienteering (well sort of) by Leah, (where many individuals had trouble figuring out how to find north, not to mention how to count past 15). There was also the discovering of creepy creatures in the water off the docks, and sailing. The ping pong and Foosball tournament organized by none other than "Tournament Guy" (photo featured above) didn't really come to a finale but most contestants didn't seem to mind. Sailing adventures took place in the harbour and today a trip to Rebecca Spit where a couple of children decided the water was warm enough to swim.
The good times just never seemed to end. But sure enough they did and we all made it onto the 1:00 ferry to get home.
Back to regular life.

Sharing stories, sharing fun

2011-05-28T22:31:00.000-07:00

Well here we are at adoption family camp once again. Apart from some nasty rain coming up here the weather has been lovely. We are a small camp with 7 families in total here to enjoy the activities and spending time with other adoptive parents and kids. We've been sailing, riding, canoeing, playing cooperative musical chairs and more. It's great to watch the kids relating to new friends and old, and parents swapping stories and suggestions. Once again the kids are complaining about having to go home tomorrow. I feel that way too. Oh well. Lots more camp opportunities in the future.

guest writer

2011-05-27T10:55:00.000-07:00

I have asked permission of Cindy Bodie, who writes a blog about her life as parent to 39 kids (a link to it is on my blog called Big Momma Hollers) for permission to put this post of hers on my blog. Now most of you probably won't adopt that many kids; but her blog is worth reading even if it's to help you decide that's not the life you want. That's kind of what her post below is about. And she does have the perspective of adopting over the course of decades; while services decline and children's challenges increase.

So read on; not for the faint hearted though, via Cindy Bodie:

"I’d intended to blog about a visit to Paloma yesterday, but a late night email set me to thinking.

I get a lot of emails from folks wanting to do what I’ve tried to do, tried to share what I have with children, me not having a clue as to the resentment level that would then spread across my previously idealistic life, both from them, and subsequently from me after all the emotional battering I would later endure, leaving me shattered at times, trying to remember how to breathe.

Should I warn these ladies? Haven’t I done so here already? Should I discourage them? I’d have been supremely irritated at anyone who’d have considered wet blanketing my own dreams some 30 years ago, so I hold back. Or do I?

I want them to help children, I want children to be helped, yet I grieve in advance for what I know they’ll encounter in their simple and heartfelt desire to altruistically help out.

I stand firm, however, in discouraging those with birth children, I absolutely scream in fear if they have younger birth children, your birth children will become targets for the misdirected crazy anger. Please do not take a chance with younger birth children, I’ve heard too many heart-breaking stories from you all.

Sarah vacillates, because she was many grade levels ahead of any more children, she was somewhat shielded, in that she was grown before I had adopted many other children. She hated seeing the way I was treated though, it didn’t exactly warm her up towards others.

I’ve often wished I’d have waited until she was in college, yet she reminds me that she’s emotionally closest to those children with whom she actually lived with in my home.

And these young ladies now contacting me? Especially those who’ve read every word I’ve written over the last six years? I gotta think they’re prepared. They’ve been MAPP or PATH trained, their eyes are wide open to the immense and shocking dangers, hopefully they’ve read other books like An Unlit Path or Dandelion on my Pillow, Butcher Life Underneath My Bed. Should I suggest they also take courses in criminal justice or an internship in the mental health profession?

Maybe it was my quick trip back to Virginia where I remembered a younger me? One who felt invincible, goal-directed and driven? Now I felt like drooling on Gary’s dock. None of us could remember seeing me somewhere childless in decades. Decades.

And, overall, right now I’m in a pretty happy place emotionally.

I would’ve been very angry with anyone who tried to quell my own very deep desire to adopt back then, I’d have cut ‘em off, ignored their warnings, thinking I knew my own capabilities…and I did know.

However I didn’t know how strong I’d truly have to be, how incredible my endurance would prove to be, handling everything that’s been thrown my way, whether through tears, fears or gut-wrenching fright, I have made it through so far, and if I’d been given a list of what would be up ahead back then, I might have doubted my own ability to survive it at all.

So I will not later give these ladies an, “I told you so,” but rather I’ll pray for them just as you all have done for me. I’ll pray for wisdom, strength and protection, knowing they’ll surely need all that and way more.

The adoption world has certainly changed since I started and not necessarily for the better. The workers are inundated with paperwork demands and regulations, the agencies are strapped by financial issues and ridiculous demands by the state to comply with that for which there is no money.

Mental health resources are dwindling, your own safety will certainly be in jeopardy, your stress level will skyrocket, your endurance will be in question every single dadgum day. You will cry buckets and buckets by the gallons of tears, you will sling snot all over yourself and then there’ll be days in which you are so happy with your children that you think your heart will explode with pride.

I know I couldn’t face what I’ve gone through again, I’m older now, burned, jaded, crushed, damaged, and reeling from the shock of it all, yet it made me into who I am now, a slightly bitter isolationist, ready to soar into a peaceful old age working in my gardens, wanting to be guided by my grandchildren’s schedules of soccer games.

Find you a strong community of like-minded support folks, those who’ll listen to you caterwaul and scream out your frustrations, find therapeutic resources and, for me, a church family is invaluable. Be ready to be treated like sh*t from a lot of people who’ll accuse you of all sorts of blather. It’ll hurt, it’s immensely painful, and isolationism becomes oh so desirable. It seems to be one’s only last option for peace.

It, this decision, will cost you some friends, maybe spouses, your health, relationships with others, your own self esteem at times, and your emotions will be raw for months at a time, maybe even for years.

Really? This is what you want? Then go for it, honestly there will be some children who will be glad that you, at least, tried. There are some children out there praying for you to get to them. They’ll end up being some of your best friends for life. I know, I have some. Thank you, Lord.

Understand that you’ll someday emerge from this cocoon of a frustrating existence with a very, very different outlook on life…"
Posted by Cindy

It's not about you, really

2011-05-26T23:46:00.000-07:00

Tis the season. And I don't mean Christmas. I don't really know if it's the season, but quite a few families I know are in the process of adopting. They are receiving proposal packages, are doing pre-placement, are in the post placement period in honeymoon bliss, or are down the road some and past the honeymoon.
Families call me at all different stages of the process and I am hear to listen, sometimes give suggestions or recommend someone else to call if you need more than i can give or do. One thing I am reminded of time after time and I've said this a few times lately to adoptive parents, foster parents and social workers is: "it's not about you". And what I mean by that is, it's not about you. It's about the child. It's about thinking about what's best for the child. I've seen social workers get caught up in their own emotions because they are attached to a child they've worked with for a long time, I've talked with foster parents having trouble remembering that their job is to help the child transition to adoption, and adoptive parents who need to be reminded they are secondary in the equation. (But they aren't third or last; second place is pretty good). Why are adoptive parents second? They are not first, because that's the child. But they are second because they need to feel supported and empowered in what they are doing. They are taking on the momentous task of parenting the child forever and the process needs to work for them too. Those other people; well, they are simply the accompanying orchestra. They will move on and no longer be actively a part of the child's life although always a part of their story.

But really, everyone needs to set aside their own stuff and just remember that the child's needs are front and centre. And this will be the case forever; even down the road with your argumentative, (place whatever word you want in place of argumentative) three, six, ten or fourteen year old.

All the stages of the adoption process are challenging for adoptive parents; home studies are invasive, sometimes time consuming and occasionally seem bureaucratic. The waiting period after you get approved seems senseless and well, a waste of time - your own and the child you know must be out there. Then there is the matching, followed by waiting for a proposal package, and once you decide, the pre-placement. It's all a royal pain when all you want is to get that child home and begin your new life.
And it will happen. But maybe the motto of all the adults in the process should be: "it's not about me. it's not about me". Say it ten times a day and remind all the other adults to say it too. Then click your ruby slippers together and soon you'll be back in Kansas.

the memory keepers

2011-05-25T23:22:00.000-07:00

One of those multi-tasking days today. Went to an IEP meeting for one of the kids first thing, then a meeting with a school principal, then a work conference call, then some more work related stuff, then after school some room shuffling activity moving one teen into his brothers room in preparation for freeing up a room for their sister, then cooking supper, then finding poster board for a school project, then heading out to interview a potential staff member for the coffee shop I'm on the board of, then the grocery store for milk and bread, then some more work related stuff, then making lunches....now, almost time for bed. Hey, just an ordinary day but it's all your state of mind. (That's actually from a Great Big Sea song).
Truly it is all your state of mind.
In the midst of my going to bed routine I decided I should dig into the basement and find the bag containing baby clothes from my oldest daughter. I'm going to see her next week, and I thought I'd take her some of her baby things since she is expecting her first baby in the fall. There are some extremely tiny items in the bag; she was 7lbs, 4oz, much smaller than my other three birth children and my daughter by adoption that joined us at 12 days old. Yet looking at them I could remember her wearing them 30 years ago.
As I fondled these tiny baby items I thought about my kids who joined us older, and who have nothing of their baby or toddler years. I now try to set aside a few pieces of clothing when kids join our family even if they are school age.
Our kids who joined us as babies or at least under five made it easier for us to gather these kinds of paraphernalia. With some of the kids who came older we did things like buying for them a special china mug or plate to keep. I give them photo boxes and scrap books to start keeping their own memories of life with us - and sometimes this is the first time anyone attempted to give them this way of keeping their history.
Babies who stay with the same parents their whole life will have stories and memories to take with them into adulthood that include that whole time and are likely known to many family members. Those kids who come into adoption older, and who haven't had anyone to purposefully be memory keepers may not have that. It makes it all the more important to keep special track of the times after they join their forever family when there are stories to be remembered and things to save to remember the time by - photos and souvenirs.

home sweet home?

2011-05-24T23:36:00.000-07:00

So we have another "big kid" as the younger ones call them, moving back home. It is indeed a revolving door around here. Someone asked me the other day about that very issue: what did we do when our older kids left home, prevent them from coming back? Well, of course we blockade the house, build a moat with crocodiles and toss things from the upper turrets at them as they try to bring their bags in.
We have a few of our kids that have not returned except of course to visit but not many. Most have left and come back for a period of months or longer. For the most part they are welcome to come home when they need to (with a few exceptions). It gets less appealing once they have moved away anyway; the empty bedroom (if there is such a thing) may be smaller than the apartment or room they've been staying in. The lifestyle is a bit more restricted (even if you are a grown up there are still differences about living at home than on your own - suddenly your mother will care if you don't call home and tell her what you are up to if you don't plan to come home for the night). And if you've been used to living somewhere by yourself or with other adults coming home to a house full of younger kids does seem less attractive in many ways. However, usually those who return home do so because they need a cheap (meaning free) place to stay for a while. Or they are going to school/university or simply need a chance to get themselves back together.
In any case, we'll do a bit of room shuffling and make space once again. In many ways it is a positive thing for the younger kids; they love their older siblings and having one come back to stay at home is positive. It reminds them that we are the mum and dad forever, even after you are "grown up".
The table seats 12 without the leaf in it to make it longer, and I keep cooking too much food anyway. So there you go. We've got a few more years parenting in us before we really do move somewhere extremely small to stop people from wanting to stay with us. Oh, I forgot. Youngest daughter says we are living with her forever and that she is going to buy us a special double wheelchair (like a double stroller she says) that she can push us both around in. Now that sounds a sight to see. So if they don't leave home in time, you may see us in that custom wheelchair.

land ho

2011-05-23T23:28:00.000-07:00

We came home from our mini voyage this afternoon with our crew. Two of the crew were visitors; family friends who had not been on a boat like this before. They quickly adapted to the close quarters and the motion. One of them (age 12) was rowing competently by the end of the week-end, both seemed to enjoy being on the water and spending time outdoors.
On one of the days we had rowed to the beach and the tide went out, leaving our rowboats high and dry. One of the visiting kids asked "how will we get them back into the water?" "Teamwork" the Captain responded. Indeed. We lined up on either sides of the boats and carried them to the water. What one of us could never have done the group of us did easily.
The trip was a reminder of my need to check with my teens when they pack their own bags: one of them packed two pairs of shorts and two t-shirts - no long pants or sweater, and no p'j's. He borrowed a plaid shirt from me, and a sweater from one of our visitors when the weather turned out not to be as we had hoped. I had done a reminder in the car before we left "does everyone have a sweater or coat" (because this isn't the first time someone has neglected one of those kinds of items or that the weather has changed). One of the other teens had forgotten to bring shoes - he was wearing a pair of flip-flops all week-end. A reminder to me that I'll need to help them pack for summer camp, or at least check their bags for critical things to take.
I sometimes chalk up these kinds of incompetencies to FASD, but often, I think they are just caused by the teenage brain. Who knows? It doesn't really matter why, I just have to be their external brains at least some of the time until they grow their own, or leave home when I at least won't be packing their bags for summer camp.

Enjoying life

2011-05-22T16:34:00.000-07:00

Choosing happiness. It's sometimes a decision. I've been talking to one of my kids about that. He tends to let small things get in the way of his enjoyment of life. As for me, I'm getting my fill of joy right now. We just came back from a voyage to a marine park. A rocky island covered with wild flowers, moss, trees. The kids ran around freely: no cars, not even any other people. When we came back to the mother ship the boys started fishing. It just took the catching of a couple of ugly small fish to encourage more dedicated efforts. I like it when the kids do outdoor stuff: it reminds me they can survive fine without technology even just for a while. I love my kids and I love being in nature, add to that the fact that there is no laundry to do here and it's simply a great combination. I am reminded that I need to work harder to get more nature in my life, and less laundry perhaps. (Not sure how to do the latter). Photos to come when I figure out how.

Blogging from afar

2011-05-21T17:30:00.000-07:00

Here I am on the bow of our boat blogging. Who would have thunk it. First of all that it would be possible, second that I would take the technological leap. Thanks to the Captain for setting me up with the latest in devices for my birthday and patiently trying to teach me about what all the little pictures and symbols mean. Anyhow, here we are out on the water with seven kids, a couple of rowboats, the mother ship and a lot of food. The beauty for me, among many, is that it is very relaxing, yes even with seven kids here.
And even though the sun isn't shining although promised earlier in the week by the weather folks it's still good enough to be outside.Anyway,we've been to the beach, done a lot of beach exploring, cooked hot dogs and hamburgers, explored two small islands and played some games. I just took a nap with my face in a book. What could be more relaxed? Soon I'll go cook up a pot of spaghetti for the ever expectant omnivores. Meanwhile I should go before whatever technology I am using gets interrupted. Adios,

S'more season

2011-05-19T21:53:00.000-07:00

Finally the nice weather seems to be here and to celebrate we had our first marshmallow roast of the season. S'mores of course were on the menu.
We ate dinner outside and then had the s'mores afterwards. There was of course extensive conversation about the best way to toast a marshmallow; some people prefer to set them on fire, and others do the slow, carefull cooked to a golden brown method.
Place between a couple of graham crackers with a chunk of chocolate, and voila, you have a delectable treat even more enjoyed because it is not only seasonal, but hand made with care. If you have kids, they love to make them for you!
In fact I am sure the toasting of the marshmallows is of course possibly the best part of this treat. How often do you get to hold a stick over a fire to cook something sugary?
Let's hope the weather holds for the week-end so we can do some sunning and spend lots of time out there. It's the middle of May for goodness sake. It's time.

common sense? perhaps not

2011-05-17T21:23:00.001-07:00

One of the kids came home from elementary school today and reported that next year there would be no educational assistants in their school. (I doubt that this is entirely accurate).
This resulted in lively debate amongst our three youngest about what role the educational assistants - also known as "E.A.s" took; who had them in their classrooms and what it would be like without them. There was also discussion about whether such an unimaginable thing could happen and why. This prompted me to try to explain how schools get funding for E.A.'s and how the district had been undergoing some kind of audit. I know this partly because I was recently asked to attend a meeting at the school board office regarding one of my kids and his file. His file seemed to be missing pieces that would confirm his diagnosis; a diagnosis needed to ensure the school got all the funding it could. (Note I said "the school" not "the student").

I tried to explain to my kids the ways in which some students qualify for funding which allows their schools to have E.A.'s, and other students although really needing help simply don't qualify for extra funding. And how teachers are expected to manage classrooms with large numbers of students with a variety of learning needs without much help; and maybe soon, no help at all.
The kids were clearly confused about how anything could be this illogical and asked who the politicians and others were who were in charge of such decisions.
I too am confused about the shortsightedness of many policies in education and social services I've heard about lately. And I hope we see some changes for the better although I'm not holding my breath. Maybe it will be our kids who will effect the changes that need to happen. They are more aware of how the world works (or doesn't) than I was at their ages. We'll see.